Credit: Thinkstock
When I started planning my wedding, I was—as anticipated—excited. But soon enough, I realized I was something else too: incredibly naive.
I had no idea until I got engaged just how much would be expected of me as a bride. It seems I've been confronted at every turn by bridal shop sales associates, wedding fair vendors and even family members guilt-tripping me into conforming to the so-called wedding industrial complex. Indeed, the idea that there's a "right" way to plan a wedding fuels a $70 billion business sector predicated largely on the idea that brides (and grooms) should give up every aspect of their individuality for the sake of conveniently expensive "tradition."
Well . . . not me. I won't give in. Because (excuse the bridezillaness), it’s my wedding and I want to do it my way. Including by forsaking these four outdated, at times patriarchal traditions.
A Traditional Dress
I’ve tried on what feels like 1,000 dresses (*it was probably closer to 30). I’ve learned a lot—including that pure white looks like a nightmare on most people. And why pretend I’m a virgin when I’ve made a name for myself documenting my sex life? Even Jessa Duggar, who had her first kiss on her wedding day, shunned white for pink, as did the not-so-virginal Reese Witherspoon. That's why for my dress, I’m considering black. Yes, black. Just like Shenae Grimes. In fact, I’m trying to get the same exact funky Vera Wang Josephine dress she wore from 2012.
My mother thinks I’m crazy. She even asked me if Jay* would want me to wear black (a loaded statement in so many ways) and I said yes. Because believe it or not, the man I'm marrying isn't into me because of my chastity and desire to be like everyone else. In fact, he's marrying me in part because I'm not like that.
A Bra And Spanx
I like to avoid bras like the plague. Unless my undergarment is built-in, or I’m wearing a T-shirt or exercising, I can assure you my breasts are bare. It’s not a feminist thing; it’s a comfort thing. But when I tried on my first dress sans bra, the sales associate looked at me like I was a lunatic. I felt like she was one for suggesting I put another layer under what felt like a 15-pound gown (*this is my best guess and not based on any empirical proof).
And no, I do not plan on wearing Spanx, because you know what? I don’t feel sexy in them. So if the dress doesn’t work with just a thong underneath—it’s not my dress.
Save The Dates
Save The Dates come in many forms, from postcards to refrigerator magnets to inane trinkets to movie parody posters (who has time for a photo shoot?) to a million other things that keep sites like Pinterest humming. But personally, I’d rather save the cash, time and energy. All the people I actually care about (Jay’s friends, my friends, my close family members) will know the date shortly after the venue is booked. If it turns out people I will be forced to invite—such as friends of my parents I’ve maybe met twice—have a conflict on the date, well . . . I didn’t want them there anyway.
Ugly Bridesmaids
Sorry to the last person whose wedding I was in, but your choice of bridesmaid dress was offensive. When you told me the color was champagne, you lied! That dress was a hue somewhere between a fresh bruise and a wound closing up. After I stained the dress with Chinese chicken during the cocktail hour, I couldn’t have cared less. I almost threw it out when I was done, but gave it away so perhaps someone with less fortunate taste could wear it to a prom or something after it was dry-cleaned.
Why do all brides want their bridesmaids to look ugly? WHY? I can’t in good conscience tell 12 of my closest friends to wear something they’ll look forward to throwing in the trash. (And yes, having a huge bridal party is one tradition I’m subscribing to.) I want my friends to have a great experience on my wedding day. Why make them feel dumpy and miserable?
I'm also against selecting something my friends can never wear again—which is why my bridesmaid dresses are black, because everyone can use an extra black dress. And they will have several styles to choose from, since one style never flatters everyone. Plus, those dresses don’t come cheap and it’s not fair to make someone spend all that money to be unhappy.
Making my wedding a happy day is, in the end, the only tradition I enthusiastically believe in.
*Not his real name
