Ah, Halloween. The holiday where we put candles inside mutilated squash and get free food from people we don't know. It's a magical time of year, with all the allure of a Christmas holiday minus the obligation to sit through a dinner with your weird uncle.
Close as Halloween may be, there are certainly many people out there looking for a last-minute costume that will still pack a punch. I've pooled all my resources to bring you a list of five absolutely terrifying Halloween costumes according to today's leading experts in fear and the mongering of it: POLITICIANS.
1. Decriminalization Of Marijuana
There are few things more terrifying in this world than allowing human beings to choose what they put inside of their own bodies, let alone the opportunity to gain tax revenue from making a commonly-used recreational drug readily available to consumers! THE HORROR.
2. Prison Reform
OK but would this mean treating human beings as, like, actual people worthy of time and effort? And assessing our nation's mental health care? It's like people just think prisons should be places of rehabilitation rather than receptacles for people we'd rather not treat like citizens. And who will even PAY for all of this? Do you expect us to just, like, use the enormous amount of money we spend keeping inmates on death row to create a stable and nurturing community in which people who have commited crimes have an opportunity to acknowledge their mistakes and seek out intervention services? I can't even entertain the thought.
3. A Lady With An Opinion
Stop talking about how you think YOUR OWN healthcare should work. You know how scary it is to get calls from inside the house.
4. A Task That Was Completed In A Reasonable Amount of Time
Imagine the horror you would cause, doing your job and whatnot. Having to cooperate with other people. Making COMPROMISES and answering to the needs and wants of the people who elected you. And all with the measly sum of $174,000.
IT'S ALL OVER. THE WORLD IS CRUMBLING. ESCAPE WHILE YOU CAN.