A croissant, a stack of Polaroids of the Eiffel Tower, a Dior lipstick case, and a single red rose.
Me: Man, how about this weather? Sure is hot today!
Instagram: You know what would be the perfect way to cool off? A soft-serve ice cream cone.
Me: Ooh, that does sound good.
Instagram: Don’t eat it though, just hold it. With a stiff, outstretched arm in front of a whimsical mural on a decaying brick wall.
Me: That doesn’t sound as good.
Instagram: You’re right, soft serve doesn’t sound good. In fact, it sounds... dirty. #EATCLEAN #FITFAM #EATCLEANTRAINDIRTY #WERKBITCH #SMOOTHIECLEANSE #SWEATITOU —
Me: STOP IT.
Instagram: By “stop it” do you mean “pose for a belfie while doing squats in see-through neon leggings?” because that’s what I’m going to do now.
Me: What’s a belfie? Wait, actually I don’t want to kn —
Instagram: A butt selfie.
Instagram: Would you like to see an artfully arranged vignette of macarons, vintage maps, and Ray-Ban aviators?
Me: Sure, I guess, but why?
Instagram: Because WHY NOT?!
Me: Huh. That is weirdly pleasing to look at. What else you got?
Instagram: A croissant, a stack of Polaroids of the Eiffel Tower, a Dior lipstick case, and a single red rose.
Me: Preeeettttttty! More!
Instagram: A ham and cheese sandwich deconstructed and organized into a color-coded grid like a Mondrian painting.
Me: Yep. Into it.
Instagram: A charming third world orphanage as seen through a thin, white missionary’s thigh gap.
Me: Hmmm... that one is not great. Have you ever heard of “white savior complex”?
At first, she was scared of my white skin. But I know we will learn each other. We are bound together by spirit and our humanity. And now, by cloth. I feel like mothering all of this country's children. I was chosen for this! #babygotback #mybackthatis #tickettoride #morningworkout #trim4Him #squatdatot #notmybaby #yet
Instagram: No, but save your haughty lectures for another day. We have something much more important to discuss.
Instagram: IT’S NATIONAL DONUT DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Me: Oh my god. Seriously?
Instagram: This is dead serious. Where is your donut? GET YOUR DONUT. YOU NEED A DONUT.
Me: You know National Donut Day is not a real thing, right? The “national” part makes it seem like a real thing but it’s definitely not a real thing. Flag Day is more of a real holiday than National Donut Day, and no one even knows what Flag Day is.
Instagram: JUST SHUT UP AND POST A PHOTO OF YOURSELF WITH A DONUT.
Instagram: Make sure you look skinny, though.