From Monogamy To Open Marriage is a weekly column devoted to the discussion of pursuing sex and love outside marriage.
I knew my husband wasn’t angry, but I could tell he wasn’t pleased. I was surprised myself. What took me so long to get in and out of there? It’s not like we spent the entire afternoon having sex, but when you add the time I spent preparing for this and driving to his house, I probably invested close to five hours. FIVE HOURS?
The silence on the phone was gut wrenching as I started my car and drove away from Drew’s house. Finally, I spoke and said “I didn’t realize I was there for so long. This is new and awkward. I guess I didn’t know how to get comfortable and just move past the awkward conversation part.”
I could sense his worry and frustration, and I didn’t know how to make him more at ease. He asked how everything went. I found myself reluctant to divulge all the details. We often recounted past experiences and discussed fantasies countless times, but it never occurred to me how different it would be to tell him about sex I had just experienced with someone else. The fact that I spent so much time NOT having sex while I was there was the most confusing part.
His tone was that of concern when he said: “I thought you were just going there to fuck, but it sounds like it was more than that.”
He was right. I didn’t expect to like Drew as much as I did.
My fantasy of meeting a man and breezing in and out quickly with little to no idle time before and after a good rough fuck did not come true. Instead, we got to know each other. We laughed and had a nice time before, during, and after sex. This was not part of the plan. We hadn't agreed upon this.
In the past, I was able to have amazing sex with people I frequently saw who rarely engaged in conversation with me for more than 5 minutes. We agreed that this is what I’d do with Drew. We decided that we didn’t have the desire, the emotional capacity, or the time for either of us to add another relationship.
I thought my husband was going to be stand-offish and distant when he got home from work that day. Instead, we had the best sex we had in years. And this continued for the days and weeks that followed. We couldn’t get enough of each other. We touched and teased each other every time we had the opportunity. When the kids were out of the house, we spent every single minute naked and blissfully intertwined.
I had no idea that this was going to happen. I couldn’t wait to see Drew again because fucking him seemed to ignite an inferno-like fire between my husband and me. If he was the source, I wanted to refuel and keep that new fire burning for as long as possible.
I wanted to move on and go about this open marriage thing differently. I wanted to find other ways to ignite that fire and bring my husband and me closer. Spending long afternoons getting to know another man was not the way I wanted to do it.
During the days that followed, Drew and I exchanged friendly text messages here and there. He invited me out to social events with him (I politely declined). And on a night when I was home alone, he invited me out for drinks. I was tempted to accept the invitation. My husband and I discussed all of this, and it was clear that I needed to set some boundaries if I were to continue seeing Drew. I made up my mind: I’d walk in, get things started immediately, then get dressed and leave — abruptly if I had to. I was confident that the next time would be different.
Who was I to think I could treat Drew like a robot whose presence was only necessary to complete a task? By nature, he was kind, hospitable, and inquisitive. I expected him to understand that all I wanted was sex, even though I, like him, enjoy the company of other intelligent, curious people. I spent an entire afternoon with him once again and felt strange about it. I liked him, but this wasn’t what I thought it would be. This was more like a new relationship. With my husband working a lot, my parents having health issues, and our kids growing so fast, I felt like I could barely keep up with all the people in my life as it was. The last thing I wanted to do was add another person.
The lust and desire between my husband and me did not dissipate. We continued to talk about our fantasies and plans for more sex with others. We talked about having others join us rather than meeting people alone.
The thought of enjoying my husband and another man or woman at the same time became the next thing I fixated on.
With the same impulsivity and hurriedness that drove me to find a single man to enjoy alone quickly, I started to plan for our first threesome. But I couldn’t imagine inviting Drew to this event.
Two days before my husband and I had our first threesome, I called Drew and told him I had to stop seeing him. I felt like such an asshole. I knew my explanation didn’t make any sense, but I couldn’t say “let’s keep fucking but not talk so much or be friends anymore.”
I wanted to move on and go about this open marriage thing differently. I wanted to find other ways to ignite that fire and bring my husband and me closer. Spending long afternoons getting to know another man was not the way I wanted to do it. We’ve since found better ways that often involve both of us and our adoration and desire for us are stronger than ever. Sometimes, I still wonder if this is too good to be true.