From Monogamy To Open Marriage: All Your Threesome Questions, Answered

Threesomes are fairly common as far as fantasy material goes. As a couple, my husband and I have been able to make that fantasy a reality quite a few times. Even though everyone says they would love to do this, they always have questions about how or why we’ve done it. Here are some of the typical questions along with our answers. If a threesome has crossed your mind, maybe you can relate to why we enjoy adding a third person.

How do you meet people who want to be involved?

There are countless clubs, events, parties, and websites for sexually open people. In spite of what outsiders believe, there is never any pressure to participate at a sex positive event. Going just to meet people, mingle, or observe is totally acceptable. If you want to try finding people online, sites like Swingtowns and Fetlife allow you to post ads. There are apps like Feeld that are geared toward people looking for casual play with couples as well as singles. We’ve had success with Craigslist, too.

How do you get things going?

We’ll usually plan for a specific night and book a hotel. (We never bring people we don’t know well into our home.) We’ve tried many different ways to “get started.” We’ve met at a bar for a drink first to get a little more comfortable. We’ve invited others to meet us at an event. We’ve had people come straight to our hotel room, too. It all depends on everyone’s level of comfort. My preference is for us to be in the hotel room before our “guest” arrives, so as to avoid that awkward stand-around part at check in. When everyone is present, just like sex with only one partner, we just go with the flow.

How do you establish limits/rules/boundaries?

We always discuss these beforehand. Unfortunately, lots of people want to play without protection, and that’s a definite no for us. Some want specific types of play that we aren’t interested in. We chat (often it’s a group chat on kik) about what the guest enjoys, what we enjoy, and we get into details of what is off-limits. While a threesome with a couple usually means the couple takes the lead, we value the guest’s specific desires and fantasies too.

Why would you want to add another person- aren’t you enough for each other?

We have amazing sex when it’s just the two of us. Adding another person enhances what is already amazing between us. We don’t feel threatened by that person because, quite frankly, they aren’t a threat to our relationship. They aren’t looking to replace one of us, and we aren’t engaging with them in a romantic way. To us, sex with others is no different than, say, tennis with others. If we both played tennis, wouldn’t we want to play with different people once in awhile?

What happens if someone can’t stay aroused?

That happens. We’re human beings and we aren’t on a porn set, so sometimes real life things happen. Performance anxiety (especially for first timers), too much alcohol, exhaustion, and many other reasons can attribute to an inability to get down when everyone else is ready. With threesomes, the same general rules apply: hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Don’t let a failed threesome make you upset, angry, or too disappointed. There’s always the next time.

What if you/he likes sex with that other person more?

It wouldn’t be realistic to say that my husband and I are the greatest at every sex act. Some people have better techniques than we do. It’s entirely possible that someone will do something to him or me better than we’ve done it for each other. How does that make us feel? Happy. The goal of a threesome is to have a good time and I couldn’t possibly say, “You can do ____ with her but not if she’s better at it than me.” His pleasure gives me pleasure and vice versa. We love each other ferociously and no mind blowing orgasm administered by someone else is going to change that.

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