New Sex Toy 'The Sqweel:' Sounds Like A Tool For Crafters, But Is Probs A Whole Lot More 'Exciting'

'The Sqweel' promises to simulate oral sex. And you can charge it in your car. What does it all mean?

If you’ve ever been lying in bed enjoying a bit of oral pleasure and thought to yourself, “This is nice, but I wish my partner’s mouth felt a bit more like a battery-operated handheld fan,” have I got news for you!

There is now a sex toy called the Sqweel that looks like a cross between an Epilady and something you would find at a craft store, maybe in the rubber stamp section. It’s supposed to look like a wheel of tongues, but honestly? I think it could also be used to paint borders on decorative plates or something.

Take a look for yourself:

Allegedly, you can apply those little pink flappity-flaps to your clitoris and they’ll feel like gently lapping tongues. Or not so gentle tongues, if you like. It has three speeds. And also a flicker mode. Which is billed as “exciting."

There is also a travel-size Sqweel, too. It’s USB chargeable so you can plug it into your rental car.

Lest you think that only the vagina-havers can have this amazing simulated oral sex experience, just stop your fretting right here. There is a Sqweel for the penis brigade as well — it has the very original moniker of Sqweel XT.

It looks less like something from Michael’s and more like a device to clean golf balls, as you can see here:

The XT model comes with “2 interchangeable Turbo Tongue™ wheels” and also features several speeds and USB charging.

And I think I could happily end my writing career today because I got to use the phrase “turbo tongue wheel” and get paid for it, and honestly? Isn't that all any creative person ever really wants out of life?

Anyway, you can buy these devices at any number of online retailers. They’ll run you about $40-$75, depending on what model you buy.

Happy lapping!

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