Beyond Before & After

I’ve never trusted my body — at least not in the time I have real memories of having feelings about my body.

Life is hard. It’s just really hard sometimes.

I’m mostly really ok, even when my body feels like a sack of skin. If you’re wondering how you can live in your skin-sack peacefully, here are five ways:

If you wake up and you’re thinking about dinner, and it’s not because you forgot to thaw out the pot roast, you have a problem.

Looking at this humble gift created by my fourth child, the one I waited 10 years for, I am grateful, tearful. She has drawn me, her mother. And other than having a really big head, I just look like a person. I’m wearing a dress. I have two arms and legs, five fingers on each hand (a surprisingly short thumb, however). My hairstyle is questionable, but all in all, I just look like a person.

Deciding that I needed — wanted, even — to put myself, my emotional, mental, physical, health first, didn’t mean not loving my body. But it did mean that my body would probably need to change to be more agile, more functional.

Sure, it's ridiculous to compare your life to a poorly constructed, absolutely terrifying rollercoaster — but also sadly accurate.

Control is a drug, and I’m a strung out addict looking for my next fix.