We Listened To Kurt Cobain's "Montage Of Heck" So You Don't Have To!

Credit: Facebook

Credit: Facebook

Holy heart shaped box, Christmas came early this year! As we all know, American youth weren't allowed to exit the 90s without listening to Nirvana at least 50 times. Even if we were too young to listen to it when the band was huge (that would be me), Nirvana's angsty beats infiltrated enough of mainstream culture to be known by virtually everyone capable of hearing. Though the group disbanded shortly after lead singer Kurt Cobain's (awful) suicide in 1994, their influence has thrived well even today. Don't believe me? Forever 21 carries grunge clothing. Enough said. 

In any case, 2014 has been the year of Cobain reveals. Back in April, a bizarre compilation of twisted marriage vows written by Cobain for Courtney Love were released. Recently, an equally bizarro 36-minute mixtape called "Montage of Heck" has surfaced. Supposedly made by Cobain in 1988—ie, before Nirvana released its debut album—the mixtape was crafted using an actual 4-track cassette recorder (I mean . . .  wow). It was released by music site Dangerous Minds and has made some serious waves across the Internet. 

What's on it, exactly? So glad you asked! We love you little minxes soooo much that we took the time to listen to it for you and record our dispatches about all of its weird/awesome bits. Huffington Post listed all of the actual, uh, sounds in it (spoiler alert: there's three minutes of straight-up wretching noises), but take a look to see what parts actually need to be heard (hint: NONE). Many, many more noises (and songs) are spliced throughout (like The Beatles), but most clips are super short.

Shall we dive in?

1:30 Oh, someone is literally peeing. And flushing the toilet. Wait, did he wash his hands? 

1:55 Awww, now we have birds chirping. It's like Garbage Pail Kids meets Disney. 

2:57 What the—geez, that is literally someone throwing up. Graphically. I can hear everything. Why am I still drinking my coffee?? 

3:35 Still puking . . . 

5:15 Airplane, or bumblebee? I really can't tell. 


8:46 Oh, an actual second song begins. It's "The Sounds of Silence" by Simon & Garfunkel. Hey Kurt: vomiting is NOT a sound of silence! 

9:57 - 10:02 This part is perfect for doing pushups. Too bad it's so short. Maybe you can play it on a loop. 

10:30 I really think someone just said "what a pumpkin." Did Cobain predict the rise of the basic bitch? 

11:01 - 11:14 "Happy Birthday" is said over and over again. Never before have I desired to hear the rest of those overdone lyrics more. 

16:45 "A few people stop to stare at the small pigs?" I mean, duh, have you ever seen a piglet? 

18:23 OMG, it's the Flinestones! Fred lost his bowling ball—shit's about to go down. 

19:05 I'm not entirely sure what this is, but it sounds like monsters with Italian accents. #ShouldIBeOffended? 

20:55 It sounds like someone is dry heaving while screaming. Why, just why? 

21:34 Sounds almost like a pro-gay/pro-glasses statement (by Archie Bunker from All In The Family), thennnn it's not. Oh historical oppression . . . 

23:25 I think I'm losing my mind. Literally. This would definitely make for an effective torture technique.

24:46 Toucan Sam is "reporting?" To adults? What maniac would trust a parrot that preaches the necessity of consuming sugary cereal? 

25:31 Awww, Led Zeppelin's "Whole Lotta Love" starts. That's nice! 

26:52 NOOOO! "Whole Lotta Love" is over! Back to trauma.

28:11 - 28:35 I can only describe this sound as demons whispering.

28:51 Hey, it's "ABC" by the Jackson 5! Happy music again! OMG, please don't stop! 

29:26 Obviously it did. Cheers to sped up crazyness again. 

29:40 - 32:14 "Whole Lotta Love" returns, but it's super warped and spliced. Oh the symbolism. 

32:50 This noise sounds vaguely Nirvana-ish, but my mind Jell-O right now so I can't be sure. 

33:22 OMG it's finally over. I'm free!!

In Conclusion

There is virtually no reason in the world to listen to "Montage of Heck." None. The inner workings of Cobain's mind have thus been revealed to me, and I am terrified. I felt physically ill while listening to it and I can't—in good consciousness—suggest even listening to a minute of it. 

So, obviously you'll have to hear it for yourself. 

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