I live in California. If I didn’t tell you I live in California, you’d know from my Instagram because my lawn is dead. My garden is dead. Yesterday I found a dragonfly that wasn’t yet dead, but was definitely on his way out.
The drought in California is real and terrifying because, HI, WE NEED WATER — to sustain life and stuff.
I’ve compiled for you a list of unconventional ways to combat the drought, here in California (where everything is dead, anyway), and well, anywhere really:
1. Turn off Kim and Kanye’s sprinklers. Seriously, Kim and Kanye, the world around you is withering whilst your lawn remains as green as the billions of dollars lining your pocket. Just outside the confines of your estate there are tiny baby rabbits dying of dehydration. Stop being so selfish.
PS. Bottom left? Grape vineyard. Because in addition to hoarding water to keep their grass green, they also need to manufacture their own wine.
2. Hipsters, this one’s for you. Stop drinking almond milk. No, not just because almond trees require a lot of irrigation. But because almond milk has almost literally ZERO almonds in it — 2%. TWO. The other 98? Yeah, you guessed it. WATER (well, and sugar and carageenan [whatever that is]). Almonds have protein and vitamins and stuff, why are we crushing them into pulp and adding water? We don’t even know. That’s why.
3. Stop buying Nestlé water. Here are the cold hard facts. Nestlé is bottling water from California . . . FOR California. They call it Arrowhead because they’re trying to distract you. These assholes are turning your free drinking water into water you now have to PAY $1.29 for ($4 if you’re at the movies).
Aternatively, go ahead and pay $1.29 a bottle, and buy like 10,000, because you’re going to need water when Nestlé bottles it ALL.
Hi, Nestlé, go to Alaska. They have so much water there. They also have Sarah Palin, who can detail her plan for ending the drought, which involves drinking OCEAN WATER. It will only cost you $99.99 a month to subscribe to her channel for this and other sound pieces of advice. (Updated to add: Apparently Sarah Palin’s subscription channel is gone as of July. You’ll have to go back to getting your stupid information from Fox News.)
This is just one more reason to hate Nestlé, as if their baby formula peddling wasn’t enough.
It’s all OK though, because they are “committed to recycling.” I know because they said so.
4. Pistachios. Stop growing them. Seriously. California is growing 24% of the pistachios in the entire world, and 98.5% of the pistachios grown in America. If we can’t agree to stop growing them, can we at least agree to stop sending 40% of them everywhere but California. Why are we even eating pistachios?
5. Stop wearing clothes. Clothes are made of cotton. And California grows 14% of it. Oh, and then we ship 85% of it to other countries for them to make clothes out of. It takes 1,800 GALLONS of water to grow enough cotton to make ONE pair of jeans. At the very least, you could wear shorts.
6. Stop driving. It takes 40,000 gallons of water to build a car. I’m not actually sure how they quantify that, but 40K is a lot of gallons. You can make 22 pairs of jeans with that water.
7. Stop flushing your toilets. FOREVER. If it’s yellow, let it mellow. If it’s brown, let it also mellow. You’ll thank me for this later, when you have drinking water.
8. Stop showering. Look, no one is going to smell you over the stench of the toilet water.
(But seriously, the drought here is real and very scary. Please conserve. Here are some suggestions.)