Voices

What could trigger an episode? My life was perfect now. I took my meds (most of the time, anyway). I was a mental health advocate for a living, for crying out loud; I knew what I was doing. Besides, it had been so long since I’d experienced a real episode — I was practically cured. I couldn’t even remember what it felt like to hit rock bottom, and really, was it ever THAT bad?

April is Sexual Assault Awareness month. Unfortunately, you probably know someone who has been sexually assaulted. 1 out of 6 American women are survivors of attempted or completed rape. It’s not just women: 1 out of 33 men are survivors as well.

My moment of discovery literally came from Googling ‘how to tell if you’re attracted to someone’ late at night. I stumbled across someone else asking the same sort of question and found a reference to asexuality. It clicked instantly, it explained everything — definitely a light bulb moment. It was such a relief to find out other people felt, or didn’t feel, the same way. But at the same time it was kind of terrifying because I became aware that everything I had been taught and thought I knew about sexuality had just been thrown out the window. It was a whole new world, a real paradigm shift, and it felt great.

The gynecologist said, “Congratulations!” He sent me home with some vitamin B pills, assuming that of COURSE I was going to carry this baby to term. My heart ached and I was devastated all over again — but I knew I could not support the life of a child.

I feel I got the short end of the stick because of emotional and financial costs I am still paying for what he did — the grooming, the mind games, the violation of my body and my agency, the disregard for my mental and physical well-being, the purposeful isolation from friends and family. I have already spent a decade in therapy trying to find solid ground, struggling to revive even a shadow of the person I used to be.

Without a doubt, going to AA meetings saved my life. But after six years of devoted participation, my attendance dwindled until, about a year ago, I stopped going entirely. Contrary to what I was taught when I was in the program, my sobriety’s just fine. You can stay sober without AA — at least, I can. Here’s how I do it.

Something had clicked in my head. Suddenly I didn't give a shit when life began or whether or not a fetus counts as a “baby.” I was overwhelmed by the new-found knowledge that pregnancy is unfairly invasive in every single way.

If you believe in bodily autonomy and consent, folks should get to consent (or not) to the process of gestation. Full stop. No caveats.

Last night I almost quit Facebook. I’d had yet another political argument, had my opinions and information dismissed as inaccurate, and I was just DONE. Fuck that social media noise. Who needs it, right? Sometimes social media feels like the toughest school playground, full of yelling and strange games and cliques.