Ask Momma Bare: Masturbation. Water Bills. HELP!

Coconut oil. Hippie Lube.

Coconut oil. Hippie Lube.

Dear Momma Bare:

Help! My water bills have literally doubled since my 15-year-old-son hit puberty. They have crept up from $98 every three months to a whopping $222. How do I nicely tell D that his epic showers are killing the planet? We don't live in a drought-affected area, but still. I want to tell him that sperm isn't toxic, everyone masturbates but they shouldn't affect the water table — or our budget — while doing so. But I don't want to embarrass him. My husband (and all of my male friends say I should just leave him alone) but what does Momma Bare think?

Baffled in Brooklyn

Dear Baffled,

Kudos to you for recognizing and honoring (accepting? understanding? something) his need for release and sexual expression (of fluids, into your bathtub). I also honor his need for release, and furthermore, your need for plausible deniability. I was going to let my 17-year-old answer — he did so well last week — but alas, it seemed… futile? Also I'm pretty sure I've got this one in the bag.

Where the water bill is concerned, D is probably too focused on his *ahem* personal needs to worry about the planet, or you, or money, or anything really. He probably can’t really think past the end of his anatomy. Any efforts to convince him otherwise will likely be in vain.

kleenex. duh

So let’s cut the shit.

Go buy:

1. Lotion (hippies: coconut oil)

2. Kleenex (hippies: reusable wipes)

This works for you in two ways:

A. Shorter showers (water savings!)

B. Cleaner sheets (Ew! Also, water savings!)


This is an embarrassing topic to broach. But making my kids squirm is one of my favorite things. Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens, bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens, embarrassing my children… You get where I’m going with that.

Anyway. I discuss these things openly for a couple or reasons. 1. Normalizing. When kids hear their parents discussing super-awkward things like bodies and sex (and mortgages — that balloon payment though), it dulls the mystique a bit. 2. With the normalizing comes less embarrassment? It’s a theory. Pretty sure it’s on point. 

I’m not a moron. I KNOW what's going on it that shower. I don't want to see it. But I do know it. See: coconut oil/reusable wipes (I'm feeling hippie).

Honesty and acceptance will always be my platform. 

In Love and Cake,


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