8 Subtypes Of Internet Commenters

The HuffPost comment section is pretty much a complete shitshow. Also? A vortex. The idiocy? Unmatched.  If you've ever spent any time there, you'll know these folks (and if you are one of these folks, just, bye.)

1. “You’re stupid and you’re stupid and I’m the only smart one here.” 

You'll recognize this guy because he's the one that's generally disagreeable. He replies to every comment, and replies to every reply on every comment. And his replies are always a different version of the same comment. i.e., "I reject your opinion based on the fact that it's wrong. I know it's wrong because that's my opinion. I hate all of you stupid people on the Internet." He reads Nietzsche, thinks kale is communist, and is an atheist. How do you know these things? Because he mentions them in every fucking comment he makes. But don't be mistaken — guys like these aren't part of the stupid headcount. Because he said so. (This guy is otherwise known as "I have nothing but time on my hands.")

2. “I hate Obama.” 

You'll know this guy, because he hates Obama — and tells everyone. Obama caused the war in Iraq, and also global warming (except not, because this guy also doesn't believe global warming exists). Obama is the reason that your grandmother's dog got cancer (because Obamacare broke her financially and she couldn't afford the vet bill). It doesn't matter the subject, all signs point to Obama. And don't bother calling this guy racist. He has two blackfriends. 

3. “I use big words to make me sound intelligent.” 

This guy opens with, "This article only serves to exacerbate the paradox of this particular situation. I appreciate the verisimilitude, however I must remark to the overall ennui of the oxymoron." He can write this because he read this HuffPost article about how to sound intelligent and therefore knows the meaning of all these words. He likes to keep a notepad nearby to jot down intellectual/deeply spiritual quotes. Nietzsche for example (Big Words and Smart Guy hang out often. So much so that you might wonder if they are actually the same person),  "To live is to suffer, to survive is to find some meaning in the suffering." The only one suffering here is the person trying to make sense of your nonsense, sir.

4. “I use curse words to make me sound hardcore.”

I.e., "You are a fucking-asshole-cunt-piece-of-shit-moron-loser." (Sorry about the cursing, that actually happened.) He doesn't have much else up his sleeve and hasn't yet learned how to utilize Google to search things like "how to not look like an a-hole on the internet." As such, he compiles a list of tawdry insults in hopes that everyone will get his point. Because it's so eloquently communicated. 

5. "I don't know grown-up words so I just insult you (and your children)." 

Someone actually once told me to kill myself and my children. I think that particular one probably falls into a different category entirely (I just threaten people because I was bullied as a child?). This is the commenter with the bat/vampire/angel/weirdly sensual werewolf avatar, who tells you that you're a hideous beast. He won't reveal himself, presumably because he is a hideous beast. Either that, or he can't take a picture because he's holding either A. a 40 B. his penis or C. both (one in each hand).

6. “Praise the Lord and pass the judgement.”

Assholes in Christians' clothing. These folks are the sanctimonious division of the comment section. If you're gay, you're going to hell. If you have an abortion or support abortion, you're going to hell. Baby out of wedlock? Hell. Covetous? Hell. Booze? Hell. Just anything. Hell. All the hell. If heaven is where they are, send me straight to Satan.

7. “Excess tummy fat? Buy a wrap from me.” 

(Or essential oils, or kitchen items, or lingerie.) Don't be distracted by their apparent vapidity. These folks are the most savvy users. They may seem obnoxious but they know what's up: A. curse-words Guy has nothing better to do but eat Spicy Doritos all day. B. Obama-hater Guy is already not paying attention to the article and C. smart Guy needs validation. The product commenter usurps all other commenters in both intellect and skill. And hereby wins the coveted, Please Get A Real Job award. (PS Those wraps don't even work.)

8. “My mommy didn’t hug me when I was little. Now I live in her basement.” 

This is the umbrella subset, covering the moron gamut. Not an umbrella, actually. More of a giant fedora. From the guy who said, "No one should ever put their d&^k in that" to the guy who said, "I'd like to 'tap that'," and let's not forget long-winded guy who writes a short story and then expects you to read it. There is also the "mentions the author's name repeatedly in the comment" guy. "Joni, I'm sorry you're such a worthless piece of crap." No, actually we aren't on a first name basis, weirdo. These people are so utterly miserable in their own existence, their life goal is to drag you into their misery. The basement. It's lonely. Except for when their mom comes down to put socks in the dryer.

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