Like this, but with more Aqua Net.
How was I going to handle the ‘surprise’ face when I saw it on Christmas morning? I wanted to cry. I felt angry, wondering what was wrong with my parents for their terrible taste.
One year I made a fateful choice, one I’ve regretted and learned from time and time again.
I peeked at my Christmas presents.
They were horrible.
This is no exaggeration.
The year was 1990 or thereabouts. I was 13-ish. Could have been a year earlier or later, but you get the idea.
In my parents’ defense, choosing gifts for a young teenage girl is not an easy task — even if your child is pleasant, which I was not. There’s only so much Aqua Net you can shove under the Christmas tree before you worry about spontaneous combustion.
The setting: an afternoon when I was probably supposed to be babysitting my siblings. Or maybe I was alone, though I can’t imagine why. No matter. Cold and snowy outside, I crept down the hall to my parent’s bedroom. Their waterbed in the center of the room, windows on the far left side, closet on the right. My mom always stored everything in her closet — it was a magical place that could produce just the right last-minute birthday party gift every time.
In bags, behind shoes, in a corner, I started looking.
A Game Boy.
You may be too young to know what that is — think a Nintendo DS with a lot more bulk and a lot less brain power. At first I assumed it was for someone else, but it was in a bag with other items clearly destined for me.
My first thought? These people don’t know me at all. Why on earth would I want a video gaming device? Never had I asked for such a thing or spent much time gaming on other systems.
But the worst was yet to come.
A full-length royal purple dress coat. Something fun for that 87-year-old woman walking her small dog in New York City. Not for me.
I felt sick when I realized this horrific coat was supposed to be a gift. No chance in hell I would wear it. How was I going to handle the ‘surprise’ face when I saw it on Christmas morning? I wanted to cry. I felt angry, wondering what was wrong with my parents for their terrible taste.
Instead of feeling excited and full of holiday cheer, I felt dread. As Christmas came closer, the dread grew, like a poinsettia happy to be let out of the dark. For the next days or week, I thought long and hard how to get that coat out of my life smoothly. I’d have to be casual, like I wanted to keep it but it just wouldn’t work. But if I showed too much emotion, the whole charade would blow up in my face.
As everyone else prepared excitedly for Christmas, I just wanted it to be over. I couldn’t get up any enthusiasm knowing how disappointing my holiday would be. I was all nerves about that damn coat — I didn’t want a Game Boy either, but at least it wasn’t revolting to look at.
Stockings, gifts, watching little ones get excited — Christmas morning was a blur. In our family, Santa left things out on the couch with no wrapping. So the first thing I saw, walking into the living room with my younger siblings, was the purple monstrosity. I’ve blocked out the exact details, but I believe it went something like this.
Me: “Wow, a coat. Just what I need.”
Mom: “Try it on, see if it fits.”
I do, awkwardly.
Me: “Hmm, I don’t know how much I’d use something like this. It is so long and formal.”
Mom: “Perfect for church.”
Me: “Maybe something shorter would be better, that I could use for more things.”
Mom: “Really? I thought you’d love this.”
Me: “I do, I really like it. I just think it maybe isn’t that practical. I should probably trade it in for something different.”
Who knows what my parents thought — probably that teenagers are selfish little punks no one should ever try to appease with gifts. I didn’t feign gratitude well, I know that for certain. But they didn’t disown me, and I didn’t have to wear the beastly coat.
More than 20 years have passed. I have never peeked at presents prematurely since. Plenty of opportunities have presented themselves for all sorts of holidays, but I’m pretty sure knowing ahead of time would curse whatever gifts I might receive.