Let's all just admit that coffee is disgusting, and move on with our lives.
Misogyny, Nickelback, wearing crocs with socks (or at all) — there are some things we, as a society, should reject despite their ongoing existence. We don't want to be party to the sorts of disgusting things that would make future anthropologists wonder what on earth was wrong with our feeble, reptilian brains to indulge in these behaviors. There is another inexplicable human compulsion that I think it's high time we reexamine: drinking coffee.
Yes, it's true, and I will stay silent about it no longer.
Your dirty brown garbage water is a scourge upon the human race, and I'm here to say it's time to call it quits. Let's all just admit that coffee is disgusting, and move on with our lives. It has no place beside delicious breakfast foods, and it is high time we banned this foul liquid from sullying the world of brunch.
I remember the first time I tried coffee when I was about nine years old. I remember it because I thought I had ingested poison. My young brain thought, "This is it. This is the end. My grandfather has poisoned me with the devil's water, and I am surely going to die."
There is a reason that black coffee is historically linked to a macho culture. It takes a certain type of toughness and masochistic leaning to drink a cup of no-frills Joe every morning. My grandfather’s coffee tasted like a life of hard work and worn down cowboy boots.
You may be thinking "Well that was probably just bad coffee." In that case, you would be right. It was a mug full of black Folgers instant coffee, probably the worst coffee experience imaginable. You may be thinking, "Maybe you just haven't had a good coffee yet." In that case, you would be wrong. There is no such thing as "good" coffee. Oh yes, I went there.
In its most basic form, coffee is bitter and disgusting.
Some may say it's an acquired taste. Yes, that's because it tastes like sewage and it sends a message to your brain that it's being poisoned (because bitterness is a true indicator to the body that a substance is dangerous). The fact that we need to accustom our unwilling taste buds to drink bitter bean water is a pretty good indicator that we should probably stop this insanity.
Some people say that they need coffee to function, because they have rewired their brains against the knee-jerk "oh no! poison!" reaction in exchange for a jittery jolt of caffeine coursing through their veins. I'm not going to lie; sometimes when I'm tired, I think perhaps I should have conditioned myself into liking coffee as a child. The truth is, I simply don't have it in me.
I have never had the predilection for the self-loathing required to acclimate myself to coffee.
It's not worth going against my body's natural preference for a steaming hot poison beverage that will land me in perpetual slavery to Starbucks. I have no desire to shell out $5 a day for an addictive coffee habit that my body must be coerced into liking. Forgive me.
I hear you all out there with your fluffy frappuccinos and sugar-laden, caramel topped coffee beverages, insisting you truly do like the taste of your daily drinks.
Let me correct you. You like the taste of sugar, and milk, as do I.
Might I suggest eating a beautiful Belgian waffle, which does not require the masking of bitter water to make it enjoyable? You know what's beneath the crispy exterior of syrup laden waffles? Butter. And goodness. And joy.
So let's all end this charade of coffee-loving lies. Say it with me: I don't really like coffee. Doesn't that feel better? Good, now let’s have some tea and eat some waffles.
