These are my boobs, you're welcome.
I’ve been thinking a lot about boobs lately. I mean, when isn’t a good time to think about boobs? Amirite?
I spent collectively like 10 years of my life with my tits out feeding a baby (or two). Everyone I know, even a little bit, has seen my boobs. That includes my teenagers and much of the general public.
Those are my unicorn boobs right up there, in fact. I put unicorns on my nipples, because if I didn’t Facebook wouldn’t let me share this article. They still might not.
They don’t like this image, and it’s not even real:
This made me think — it’s nothing that hasn’t been thought before — why are boobs such a big fricking deal?
Because boobs aren’t a sex organ. If that’s how loosely we are defining “sex organ,” then I should cover this?
So, what constitutes “ok boob?”
Instagram deleted this photo back in 2012. Too much areola?
Also too much areola:
This one is totally fine though:
I mean, nice rack, but come on. At least my boobs are DOING SOMETHING besides just sitting there?
Seriously, did you know that boobs are actually made to feed human babies? As in provide total, complete nutrition for the first 6 months of life.
Also fine by Instagram? These man boobs:
...which look suspiciously like these lady boobs:
Instagram boob acceptability recap:
Man boobs: 1
Lady boobs: null — unless they are sexy lady boobs, then also one.
This is a problem on social media, but it's also a problem everywhere. Who decides what nipples are ok to see and which should be hidden?
Here’s one that will require some thought: what if you take lady boobs and put MAN nipples on them?
Let me blow your mind again, ladies nipples on man boobs:
OHMYGOD WHAT DO WE DO NOW?
I don’t even know.
WHAT ABOUT THESE FABULOUS TATAS?
THAT WOULD BE A BIG OLD NOPE. These nipples are lady nipples, and therefore forbidden.
Now let’s do a switcharoo and put those nipples on a great set of man boobs:
This is becoming a literal titty scrapbook.
To which I say, YES. My work here is done.
Also OMG HELLO BEJAMIN SEARS with your gorgeous beard and beautiful tattoos. Oh, and your incredible physique.
What about a place where a boob used to be, but isn't any longer?
Don't you dare tell me that this incredible warrior can't show her scars.
Have I proven my point? Did I make a point?
My point: boobs are just another part of the body. When touched, they can result in a feeling of pleasure. Does that make them too sexy for sight?
When my husband kisses my neck, I LOSE MY EVER LOVING SEXY MIND. Should I hide my neck? That's ridiculous, right?
I just have a real fondness for boobs of all kinds. They're soft and lovely. They feed people and make a good pillow. Dude boobs don't have much in the way of function outside of pleasure, but that's enough.
If I accomplished nothing, I showed you a bunch of glorious tatas. Now you can share them too, see if Facebook blocks you. I dare them.
PS Thanks everyone who shared their boobs with me so I could turn them into this work of art.