Jody Allard

In today's news, the sky is blue, Republican lawmakers are assholes, and the House just voted to defund Planned Parenthood. Again.

And that's when it hit me: It's okay for girls to aspire to be like boys, but it's categorically not okay for boys to aspire to be like girls.

Former President Jimmy Carter announced that his most recent scans showed no evidence of cancer, and he may owe his rapid response to science.

Okay, I know that's not very Christian of me. Luckily, I'm an atheist. But, really, if we are being honest, who doesn't want to punch Kim Davis in the face by now?

Singer Ariana Grande struck a high note for body positivity when she reminded her Instagram followers that all bodies are beautiful — and personal.

The ACLU of Kentucky has already filed a motion for contempt against Davis because even after the SCOTUS told her to start issuing marriage licenses, she was back at work the next morning, stonily turning away gay couples.

You can stop talking now. Ssshhhh.

In 1997, Kenny and Bobbi McCaughey made history when they welcomed the first set of surviving septuplets to the world. Now, 18 years later, as the septuplets prepare to leave the nest, the world has only one question: "How the hell did we all get so old?"

Billboard magazine proved that it's never too early to start sexualizing young girls when they tweeted a picture of two-year-old North West (daughter of Kim Kardashian and Kanye West) sucking on a lollipop with the caption, "The apple doesn't fall far from the tree." Ugh.

9. Use Timeouts—For Yourself!