Too Fond Of Snacks? LOCK THEM IN A BOX. (I'm Sorry, What?)

image credit: Kitchen Safe

image credit: Kitchen Safe

In today's Products Americans Must Have: The Kitchen Safe

The Kitchen Safe is, well, a safe, for the kitchen — as in a thing you put things in, and then lock, like jewelry,

I mean you can put the "Kitchen" Safe in any room, I guess it's just marketed for the kitchen because that's where the constant opportunity for total abandonment of willpower is? 

The Kitchen Safe is designed with the modern family, and really just all of us slouchy pathetic self-gratified Americans, in mind. 

Can't stop eating those delicious chocolate chip cookies? Kitchen Safe!

Can't manage to put your phones away at the dinner table? Lock em up!

Can't get your kids to stay off the Xbox? Controllers into the Kitchen Safe ahoy!

I know it seems like this could be the answer to the 15 pounds you think you need to lose, but FINISH EATING YOUR CROISSANT (so buttery) and listen to me.

The Kitchen Safe is not the thing you're looking for. Here's why:

1. There is no way you can fit all your snacks in there. If your cupboards have the appropriate amount of snacks in them (and I hope they do) they would never fit in this 5.5" square box. You cannot even fit ONE PACKAGE OF OREOS IN THERE. Who do these people think they are fooling?

2. It's plastic. Do you know how easy it is to break plastic? You don't even need a hammer. You can literally just give this to your 3-year-old; they will find a way to break it. Toddlers are industrious when it comes to snacks.

3. Once it unlocks, at a time you pick, you just have access to all the snacks again. I can eat three cookies at 10 PM just as easily as I could at 5. Joke's on you Kitchen Safe.

4. Scarcity just makes you want MORE FOOD not less. Even if you think you need to lose weight (you don't), and you think hiding food from yourself is the key (it isn't), the Kitchen Safe is still just preying on your self-esteem that's been stunted by super models and the diet industry.


​I mean really. If you want to have a family dinner without phones, just mute them and stack them in the center of the dining table. No, really, this is a totally effective practice. Like you just stack them up. In a stack.

And if you want to have a cookie, HAVE A COOKIE. 

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