Studies Show Yet Another Way In Which Everything Is My Fault

Should you drink coffee while pregnant?

Should you drink coffee while pregnant?

As if parenting isn’t hard enough, here comes another group of scientists hell-bent on making us feel shitty for yet another thing. 

Did you drink caffeine during your pregnancy? Because congratu-fricking-lations, your kid is probably going to be obese now.

Also, if you didn’t breastfeed, BOOM! Automatic loss of ten IQ points. Spanked your kid? SUPER. You just created a sociopath. Oh AND if you watched TV at all (nevermind they couldn’t see it, they HEARD IT) they are probably definitely going to be brain damaged (I made that one up but let’s be real, it’s probably coming.)

First of all, dammit, why does everything have to be my fault? Every time I turn around I discover yet another "scientific study" that proves I have all but destroyed any chance my child has at a normal life. I am so tired of being shamed for every move I make. I can’t even be on my phone without wrecking my kids.


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Secondly, EVERYTHING causes obesity. McDonald's causes obesity. Working at a desk causes obesity. Lack of sleep causes obesity. Too much sleep causes obesity. Honestly, breathing probably causes obesity.

Frankly, we are spending a LOT of time trying to figure out what causes obesity when we probably ought to be spending more time figuring out how to prioritize our health overall and less time studying all the things that might make us fat.

THIRDLY, my mom definitely smoked cigarettes, probably smoked pot, did not drink coffee but for SURE drank tequila when she was pregnant with me. She didn’t breastfeed AT ALL, but she DID beat me with a variety of wooden objects, and I am both obese and have an IQ of like 155. SO, studies apparently show that (at least some of the time) it doesn’t matter what the hell you do, you might end up with a fat genius.

FOURTHLY, have you heard of genetics?

Can we just stop making everyone feel shitty all the time? Here’s the cold hard truth, regardless of what you do (or do not do): your kids are going to grow up, go to a shitload of therapy, and blame you for everything anyway.

Just drink the goddamn coffee.


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