election 2016

Attendees of the Sanders event stood along the street when Clinton’s motorcade arrived and threw 1,000 $1 bills at her vehicle. Twitter was alight with notices about “making it rain” on Hillary’s car. I have questions.

When I saw the trending hashtag #DemocraticWhores, I got really excited, thinking maybe Democrats were all strutting around today in those sensational boots Julia Roberts wore way back in Pretty Woman. Nancy Pelosi could rock those boots, don’t you think?

Up until recently, you had both run your campaigns on what you stood for and your proposals for running this country. There had been a snide remark here or a little jab there, yes, but as a whole, you were looking ahead and running your own race, rather than the race others were running. You both stuck to your own lanes. You took your hurdles in stride, paced yourselves, and focused on running the best race you could.

When Americans pick a president, they are looking for someone who is right for the moment. A person who speaks for the time, who is equipped to react and respond accordingly.

Listen, we’ve all been over this before. Human beings have bodies and those bodies are theirs to use as they see fit. They can put on clothes or not. They can be photographed or not. They can marry megalomaniacal real estate tycoons who think they’d be good at being president or not. AND ALL OF THAT IS JUST FINE.

Is Hillary Clinton going to jail for having email? The world — and last night’s debate moderators — want to know!

The short answer is: probably not.

Unless one of her emails contains a confession for actually killing Vince Foster. Which seems unlikely, since Hillary has a law degree from Yale and I think the first thing they teach you there is, “Don’t write incriminating shit down.”

THEY THINK SLAVERY WAS A GOOD THING. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?

No word on whether Hill-dawg herself is a fan of crullers or jelly-filled.