Rebekah Kuschmider

CANCER NEEDS TO KEEP ITS GRUBBY MITTS OFF OF OUR ARTISTIC LEGENDS, DAMMIT.

So, I’m scrolling through my news feed this morning, looking for something to brighten my day, and I see a headline that catches my eye. Seems 21 Jump Steet co-stars Channing Tatum and Jillian Bell are slated to star in a remake of Splash, the 1984 movie where Daryl Hannah played a mermaid seeking love on land. “Oh wow,” I thought to myself. “How cool would it be if Channing Tatum were the mer-person in this movie?”

Brace yourselves, folks. I may be about to present you with the best news of 2016: ice cream for breakfast can make you smarter!

You can’t deal either, can you? Of course you can’t. So listen: let’s stop talking about this scum-sucking-bottom-feeder and focus on something happy. Like a puppy finding a home and a job.

The manatees were engaged in a little mutual oral pleasure — or, as the kids call it, 69. Way to go, manatees!

The FDA has announced that Mibelas 24 Fe pills, made by Lupin Pharmaceuticals, is under recall due to packaging errors that mixed up the active pills and the placebos. In the case of the recalled lot, the packets have 24 active pills, four placebo pills, then four more placebo pills. That’s too many days without the active pills and your body — your pregnancy risk just got a WHOLE LOT HIGHER.

It’s all the fun of getting new stuff without all the hassle of driving, parking, going into a store, experiencing sensory overload, and walking out with a bag full of items that closely resemble items you purchased the last time you decided to go shopping.

Based on the leaks, the FBI started investigating the president for potential obstruction after he fired former FBI director, James Comey. Trump said outright that he did that because of the Russia investigation. The FBI is apparently taking him at his word.

This weekend, she took to CNN and fielded a question about Trump’s recent statements about abortion, wherein he suggested that the official Republican platform should include room for exceptions to an all-out abortion ban in the cases of rape, incest, or risk to the life and health of the mother.

I was all set to write a lighthearted piece here about KFC’s new line of flavored nail polish. Yes, you did read that right. KFC has a line of nail polishes that come in “original recipe” and “hot and spicy” and they would LITERALLY make your nails finger lickin’ good. I mean OMG! Sadly, they’re only available in Hong Kong.