She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.
My husband of ten years just told me he needs a break for a few weeks to think.
I could not wait that long. I left the house, and after five days, I begged him to please tell me if we were going to work on our marriage. He said, “If you have to have an answer now, then yes, we're done.”
Later that day, I went back home and told him I’m staying, I’m here to work on my marriage, and if he's not then he can leave. It's only been two days, but he's still here.
The first night I was home, he was going to sleep in the living room. I told him he could sleep with me because I'm his wife and he said, “I know.”
A couple of minutes later, I asked him if he wanted to have sex and I went to bed. Maybe five minutes later, he came to the bedroom, and we had sex.
Here's the kicker — I know my husband is cheating on me.
I tracked him on his phone. He left our house to do a call for work and periodically I would see where he was. About 10 p.m. he was at someone's house, left there, and went back around 1 a.m. and stayed all night. I went to sleep, and when I woke up at 6 a.m., I saw his vehicle was still there. So I got in my car and went to see who it was.
God knows I was praying it was a male friend, but it was a female co-worker’s house. I stayed in the area, and he left around 9 a.m. I wanted to go to her door, but decided I was going to play my cards right and not do that or tell him. I have given him many opportunities to tell me if he's seeing someone and he denies it. I even said that when I know for sure (which I already do) that all hell was going to break loose because I had to find out on my own.
I want my husband, even though I know what he's doing. The coworker he's messing with is the daughter of the owner of the company my husband works for. He would be furious if he knew.
Should I make it known to the boss what's happening in hopes of stopping the affair and getting my husband back?
I am a lost soul. Help.
I am so sorry that you are going through this painful situation.
Your husband is acting like a selfish jerk.
First things first, to address your primary question: Don’t get the boss involved.
This is between you and your husband. Getting your husband back because you make a mess for him at work is not a long-term solution to this problem. Trying to repair a relationship using intimidation or duress may get him back temporarily, but the likelihood that this will continue with this woman (or another woman) is high.
Your husband is not prioritizing your marriage. No amount of love or sex or coercion is going to alter this. And you don’t deserve to be treated like this.
I always pose this question to people who are struggling with holding on to an unhealthy relationship: If your friend/child/sibling were in this relationship, what would you tell them?
In your shoes, as painful as it feels, I would get out. If there is any chance of repairing and rebuilding your marriage, it can only come by stepping away from the one you have now, because it’s already broken.
Sometimes, a separation can inspire real and meaningful change that ends with a reconciliation and a healthier, stronger relationship. And sometimes, it sets you on a path to rebuild your life and open yourself up to the possibility of the love and healthy relationship you deserve.
You did not mention children, so I am assuming you don't have them, which makes it far less complicated to walk away from this. If there are children involved, I firmly believe that it is more beneficial to children to see healthy relationships modeled than keeping an unhealthy and dysfunctional marriage intact.
Lean on your loved ones. Finding a good therapist and support group would be extremely beneficial for you. Email me, and I can give you a list of region-specific resources.
I know you feel lost and alone. You won’t feel that way forever. And, I can promise you, that when you get to the other side of this, you will be able to feel grateful for no longer being stuck there.
If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, infidelity, friendship, divorce, Danburite, reproductive issues, or anything at all, use the contact form below or email me at firstname.lastname@example.org. As always, your anonymity is golden. xoxo