Safe sex: THE MORAL DOWNFALL OF AMERICA.
Right now, as we speak, Republican lawmakers are threatening to shut down the government if Congress doesn’t vote to cut federal funding for Planned Parenthood. At first glance, this might seem like yet another misogynist hissy fit undertaken by doughy, middle-aged white men with mommy issues, but I’m sorry to say, this time, they’re right. We absolutely should defund Planned Parenthood. The sooner the better. Here are 10 reasons why:
1. They talk about vaginas there. Gross! Want to know something even grosser? I heard from Donald Trump that sometimes BLOOD comes out of vaginas. And Planned Parenthood acts like this is a normal thing? It gives me the heebie jeebies just thinking about it!
2. Abstinence education eradicated sex. It’s common knowledge that the Bush administration’s push for abstinence education successfully eradicated sex. To confirm this, I asked my little brother, who is 10 years younger than me, what sex ed was like during his time in high school. He told me, “A guy came in holding an iPad and said, ‘Don’t have sex.’” Bravo, Man Holding An iPad! This is exactly the kind of well-rounded, informative, empowering sex education that has completely eradicated all sexual activity. Thanks to you and other celibate justice warriors, no one in America has had sex since 2001. To continue to fund sex education and reproductive healthcare in a sexless society would be like funding that infamous Bridge To Nowhere in Alaska, but instead of nowhere, this bridge leads to dried-up vaginas and blue balls. No one’s porking. Cut the pork!
3. STIs are a figment of the liberal media’s imagination. I’ve been hearing a lot of noise about how Planned Parenthood tests for and treats sexually transmitted infections. But what is an STI? It sounds like some kind of Volkswagen hatchback that’s only available in five-speed. We have Oil Can Henry’s to test and treat those. Planned Parenthood is irrelevant. We must cut their funding and increase federal funding for Oil Can Henry’s immediately.
4. Giving women control over their own bodies sets a dangerous precedent. Planned Parenthood plays an integral role in ensuring women have control over their own bodies and reproductive choices. This is a slippery slope, my friends. If we ensure women have access to safe, comprehensive reproductive healthcare, what will they want to do next? Vote? Have opinions? BUY LAND? What if a woman gets ahold of a Planned Parenthood brochure in the middle of making a man a sandwich, realizes she can make her own decisions, and decides she doesn’t want to be making a sandwich? WHO WILL MAKE THE SANDWICHES?
5. Teens don’t need so much information. Right now, teens can go to Planned Parenthood to get accurate information about sex, birth control, and reproductive health. They can ask any question they want and a compassionate, educated healthcare professional will give them an answer. Can you believe that? Back in my day, the only information we needed about sex, birth control, and STIs was “close your eyes and hope for the best.” Also: “oral doesn’t count” and “butts can’t get pregnant.”
6. The Duggars don’t like it. America’s First Family, The Duggars, are outspoken opponents of Planned Parenthood. To give some perspective, they are outspoken proponents of not punishing your son for molesting his sisters, spewing hateful things about gay people, forcing women to obey their husbands, paying hundreds of dollars a month to a third-party website that promises to facilitate extramarital affairs, and using women’s uteri as fundamentalist Christian clown cars. So yeah, let’s listen to them.
7. Abortions are way too easy to get. Sure, many states only have one or two abortion providers, and many Planned Parenthood health centers don’t even provide abortion services, and thanks to a slew of new legislation, it’s now impossible to get an abortion without waiting 48 hours, getting an ultrasound, being branded with the word SLUT, and having your dad’s golfing buddies give you a lecture about responsible vagina ownership, but STILL. Planned Parenthood basically provides abortion on demand, which is not OK. If men could get pregnant, abortions would be available via a drive-thru kiosk with free beer and a “buy 10 get one free!” customer loyalty card, but this is women we are talking about. Outlaw it!
8. It’s run by feminazis. Does Planned Parenthood provide services for men, like STI testing and cancer screenings? Yes, they do. But according to a men’s rights activist thread I read on Reddit, Planned Parenthood is really just a front for the feminist agenda. Want to know what else I learned on that MRA thread? Fedoras are pussy magnets and Elliot Rodger “actually made some valid points” in the misogynist manifesto he wrote before his killing spree. In other words, these guys know what they’re talking about. And they say women shouldn’t talk so much. Will anyone ever listen to the true victims here, men?
9. Cancer is not that big of a deal. Planned Parenthood talks a lot about how it does screenings for many common types of cancer, including breast cancer, testicular cancer, and cervical cancer. They make cancer seem like it’s some kind of huuuuge deal. Fearmongering, much? Pop a Flintstone vitamin and call it a day.
10. Unplanned parenthood is the backbone of every great society. Do you know what makes a country truly great? Turning women into baby-making machines with no choice in the matter. Denying accurate sex education to young people. Making sure reproductive healthcare is only available to the select few who can afford it. Ensuring that women can’t access abortion, even if it will save their lives. Planned Parenthood is standing in the way of all of these things, and that’s why we must shut it down, now. God bless America.