Carrie Saum

Motherhood didn’t pan out the way I anticipated, not even a little bit. It was so much more electrifying and terrifying and amazing than I ever imagined.

This is the season where we Pumpkin Spice ALL the things. Pumpkin spice lattes? Check. Pumpkin spice chocolate? Check. Muffins, cake, cookies, scones, sodas, and Cheerios? CHECK. If scientists could figure out how to pumpkin spice newborn babies and puppies, I'm sure they would because we are crazy about All Things Pumpkin Spice.

As a mom to a child with profound food allergies, I get a little terrified around the holidays. We are joining the Teal Pumpkin Project this Halloween.

Last month, I heard my kid say "I'm sorry" to a complete stranger at Target for no reason.

Breakfast is my most favorite meal to eat and least favorite to prepare.

If you tend to eschew your inner child and prefer to feel somewhat sophisticated and faux-healthy, you can call a frozen wine drink a smoothie and it totally counts. Because we are all of a legal drinking age here and there is no shame in consuming your daily super fruit serving in a nutritious, fermented, frozen liquid form. The best part about all of this is you don’t need GOOD wine, you just need not-chardonnay.

Gather anything orange, brown, olive green, harvest yellow, and dead. Dead leaves, dead flowers, dead hopes and dreams, and arrange them artistically on your front doorstep.

Instead of making lunch once a day, I make it once every three days. It saves on energy, brain power, and I don't have to figure out feeding myself in my janky kitchen more often than absolutely necessary.

By 13, I clearly understood: Thinness was next to Godliness, and I could never achieve either without extraordinary means. Jesus loves skinny people.

Here are my favorite ways to infuse my body with energy that actually aren't hard and take almost no effort. You don't have to be pregnant to use these ideas, so don't worry. Although, you might make a baby in the process.