The least threatening clown image that stock photos had to offer.
My fellow Americans: We are facing a new threat and I ask that we all stand united against the horror that is besetting our great nation. That horror is, of course, clowns.
Not good clowns, mind you. Creepy, murderous clowns. Horrible clowns that lurk in the shadows, only to emerge and carry people off to Evil Clown Headquarters and clown them to death. Or something. I don’t know exactly. The point is that there are clowns out there — real and imagined — and they are scaring the fuck out of people everywhere.
I think this all started over the summer with reports of a clown lurking outside a South Carolina apartment complex trying to lure children into the woods. The kids obviously know that clowns are not to be trusted and none were harmed or even tempted to get closer to the clown.
Once word of that clown spread, the scourge of Clown Terror set in in earnest. Just this week kids have gotten in trouble for posing as as clowns online and threatening to come shoot up middle schools in New Jersey, Pennsylvania, and Maryland. I actually got a message from my own school district telling me there have been vague clown threats in my area that the police and district leaders are looking into. A girl was even arrested for trying to use social media to recruit a clown to kill one of her teachers.
See how dangerous this is? Kids are now colluding with the clowns. This. Is. Serious.
Last night, students at Penn State were alarmed to hear rumors of clowns converging on campus. There was an image of a clown projected onto the side of a building — like the Dark Mark, but for Bozo instead of Voldemort. The situation resolved without any clowns materializing, but everyone was very alarmed and formed a mob to disperse any possible rogue clowns.
Clearly, the Clown Menace is real. Or at least it’s a real nuisance.
So, friends, now is the time to talk to your kids about clowns. Tell them to avoid evil clowns and to stop trying to impersonate clowns online. No one likes scary clowns, real or fake.