"There's a $300 cream that Nicole Kidman uses that's been proven to make wrinkles appear 15% smaller in 10% of clinical trials! The secret ingredients are rose petals and antifreeze."
Me: Ugh, what a week. Excited to unwind for a bit and flip through my favorite fashion magazine. Bring on the pretty pictures!
Fashion Mag: Awww, hon! I love that I'm your fave! But are you sure you want to unwind in those pants?
Me: These? I mean, yes? No? I don't know. Why?
Fashion Mag: It's just . . . you're clearly an ottoman and the silhouette of those sweats was obviously intended for a floor lamp or a pedestal sink.
Me: Umm . . . what?
Fashion Mag: Oh, didn't you hear? People got fed up with us comparing women's body shapes to apples and pears, so now we're comparing them to inanimate household objects instead. Yay feminism!
Me: And I'm an ottoman?!
Fashion Mag: Well yeah, isn't it obvious? Although if you follow Kate Hudson's Hot Body Fitness Plan on page 67 and eat nothing but the Halle Berry Detox Celery Smoothies on page 112, in a few years you could be a coat rack!
Me: I don't think I want to be a coat rack.
Fashion Mag: Yes you do. Everyone wants to be a coat rack! Once you're a coat rack, you'll be happy.
Me: I don't feel happy right now.
Fashion Mag: Of course you don't! You're an ottoman!
Me: No, I was actually feeling pretty good 5 minutes ago.
Fashion Mag: Are you insinuating that I'm the one bringing you down?
Me: Sure am.
Fashion Mag: You're not even going to consider that your failure to procure this season's $5,000 "it bag" might be the real root of your discontent?
Me: I don't think that's the problem.
Fashion Mag: But I'm your friend! I'm like your cool big sister that makes you feel insecure and unworthy 99% of the time, then throws you a tiny nugget of affirmation and forces you to savor it for years.
Me: Maybe I should read something else.
Fashion Mag: No! Keep reading! Have I told you lately that your eyebrows happen to align with this month's definition of perfect eyebrows? How chic are you!? Give yourself a pat on the back, girlfriend!
Me: Hey, thanks! I do love my eyebrows.
Fashion Mag: It's good you have them to distract people from those unsightly laugh lines.
Fashion Mag: Don't worry. There's a $300 cream that Nicole Kidman uses that's been proven to make wrinkles appear 15% smaller in 10% of clinical trials! The secret ingredients are rose petals and antifreeze.
Me: I'm gonna read something more uplifting now.
Fashion Mag: Oh come on, just turn the page to read "10 Trendy Items You Must Buy Right Now In Order To Maintain Your Social Status And Self Worth." What could be more uplifting than that?!
Me: The Bell Jar. Angela's Ashes. The iTunes user agreement. The lyrics of "All By Myself." The plot summary of Blackfish.
Fashion Mag: Sigh. Spoken like a true ottoman.