Sing ALL songs in your car really, really loud. And act it out. Be Beyonce tellin’ Jay to put a ring on it. Look at the car next to you at a red light and mouth, “Hello from the outsiiiiiiiiide.”
Are you OK?
I can’t even begin to tell you the number of times my mom, girlfriends, co-workers, and random people on the street asked me that question when I was going through my divorce.
Whenever I would speak of my pending divorce with a tinge of sarcasm, or laugh about some new demand my ex-husband was making, they would all ask me: Are you OK? Are you sure you’re OK? The absolute truth was that I was. I was very OK. Granted, there was that one day I was about as far from OK as I am from being White, but for most of my other days I was OK.
Now don’t get me wrong, my divorce process may have been the longest in non-celebrity divorce history — one year later and I was still tethered to the man — but it was truly enlightening, full of love, and loaded with laughter.
So, my hope for you, person going through the divorce or breakup (and cursing the day you starved yourself to fit into that fucking wedding dress), is that by the time you reach the last word of this article, you’ll have chuckled just a tiny bit.
Because the reality of it is this: This is just a blip on the radar of this bag of shenanigans we call life. It’s miniscule compared to some of the amazing things the universe wants to give you.
So, with that being said, here is a list of 10 things that might help this particular shenanigan along, in the most delicious way possible:
1. Cry. Preferably in the bathtub. You can pretend your tears are little beads of sweat from the hot bath water. And if you’re wearing mascara you can take a selfie and pretend you’re this guy:
2. Scream. At yourself in the mirror. At the idiot driver next to you. At pictures of your soon to be ex-husband. Just scream. Let it out. It feels really fucking good! Just don’t scream at small children or pets. That typically does not end well, and in some cases, either one may bite you.
3. Travel. It’s much cheaper for one. Plus, you can see what you want to see. Want to take a selfie with Michelangelo's David (and his penis)? Do it. Want to go on a carbs-and-wine tour of Italy? Break out the leggings and go for it. This time is yours.
4. Learn the difference between Merlot, Syrah, and Sauvignon. You’ll want to be able to tell the doctors what you were drinking before they make you drink the barium. And trust me, they will make you drink the barium.
5. Reacquaint yourself with the fine art of masturbation. You don’t have to lie and say you’ve never done it (you’d just be lying to your computer screen). You and I both know you have, and probably stopped when you got married.
But guess what, you’re getting divorced now, so this is the perfect time to check out...wait for it...THE HITACHI, aka The Magic Wand. Rumor has it this baby will literally make your eyes roll back in your head and zap your clitoris right off. GET IT. Never mind the fact that it’s the perfect way to not catch a disease or get pregnant. You can order it on Amazon or head on down to your local Wal-Mart, look the customer service clerk right in the eyes and say, “Excuse me, can you point me to your ma-ssa-gerrrrssss.” But you have to say it just like that or else it’s not funny. Seriously.
Plus (and also), there’s porn. Really great porn. And if I’m not mistaken, we just ran an article on great porn for feminists — or really for any woman. There will be days that you want to climb the walls with sexual frustration, and these two things, whether combined or enjoyed independently, will save the world from your wrath. Hell hath no fury like a woman on the verge of a sexual meltdown.
6. Start that business you always wanted to start but never really thought you could because you were busy supporting someone else’s dream. Yup, I said it, and you know it, so now go do something about it.
7. Sing ALL songs in your car really, really loud. And act it out. Be Beyonce tellin’ Jay to put a ring on it. Look at the car next to you at a red light and mouth, “Hello from the outsiiiiiiiiide.” Turn your car into a rolling karaoke machine. You will look like an absolute freak to passersby, but I promise you — the release is unreal.
8. Have a torrid love affair with a spoon and a pint of Ben and Jerry’s Chubby Hubby ice cream. Trust me ladies, if there were ever something worth cheating with — this is it.
9. Try something you always thought of as “so not you” just to say you tried it. Something amazing might happen — you might actually like it (gasp!).
10. If you must, get a boy toy, or a girl toy, or a toy toy... whatever floats your boat. Make it very clear to him, her, or them that it is strictly sex — no strings attached. If they can handle that, have yourself an absolute blast.
Remember: there will be times when even going for your well-woman exam will be a turn on…is a speculum supposed to hit your G-Spot? Seriously — there was this one time when...well...let’s just say it was super-awkward, and I immediately got a new OB-GYN the next day.
Anyway, should something incredibly awkward happen while you’re feet are in the stirrups, it will be at that very moment that you’ll want to be able to leave the doctor’s office, call your pal(s) and have them meet you in T-15 minutes at your place for some incredible, mind-blowing sex. And you have to say it just like that: “Meet me in T-15 minutes. I need you.” Then hang up. They’ll arrive, you’ll have a great orgasm, and you’ll both be happy.
So there ya go, Ravishers. Ten things to help you make it through the storm and (hopefully) keep some cobwebs from forming while at it. Oh, and you’re welcome for the Hitachi tip (because you know you clicked on the link and ordered it).