It takes all kinds. No really. It takes ALL kinds. It even takes the kinds you don’t necessarily like so much as tolerate. If you’re lucky enough to have a tribe of mom friends, even if you just go to the park to skulk and observe, you’ll recognize these moms. They are everywhere.
1. The “I Have It All Together, All The Time” Mom. You’ll recognize this mom because her kids are dressed. In actual clothes. They have on, like, pants, or at least something covering their butts. They aren’t wearing PJs or a recycled Halloween costume. They have shoes. On. Their hair is combed and may even be braided. You respect that, because you know what special form of torture you have to endure to braid a 4-year-old's hair.
It doesn’t stop there. She is ALSO wearing clothes and has obviously taken the time to find a mirror and note that smudged mascara and a four-week-old mustache aren’t her best look. She probably also has a purse. It’s probably Michael Kors.
2. The “I Have It Together, Pretty Much Never” Mom. The antithesis of the “I Have It All Together, All The Time.” mom. You’ll find her children possibly barefoot, probably wearing a princess dress/fireman/superhero costume. They will probably look like they just got out of bed. Who needs braids? No one, that’s who. She has a backpack that may or may not have snacks. She is wearing yesterday’s yoga pants. You admire this mom. She’s keeping shit real.
3. The “Twinkie” Mom. This mom carries Twinkies. She’s ruining it for the rest of us carrying kale chips.
4. The “Kale Chip” Mom. She’s pissed at Twinkie mom. Kale chips are a lie.
5. The “Food Police” Mom. Gluten-free. Organic. Non-GMO. Corn-free. Dye-free. Sugar-free. Taste-free. Her kids don’t have allergies, she just likes staying current with food trends.
6. The “Eat Whatever You Want, I Don’t Care” Mom. Eat Red Dye No. 5. Eat Twinkies. Eat dirt. There are minerals in there.
7. The “I Am Always Prepared For Anything” Mom. First-aid kit. Also, snacks. Water (in a Camelbak — plastic bottles are passé). Juice in a box (exception made for boxed drinks). Sand toys. Hot Wheels. Change of clothes. Baby wipes. Hand sanitizer. Swimsuits and an umbrella, because you never know when the weather might change. Her Ju-Ju-Be diaper bag used to belong to Mary Poppins.
8. The “I Am Never Prepared For So Much As Dirty Hands” Mom. She’s just looking longingly at the “I Am Always Prepared For Anything” Mom, hoping she can spare a Band-Aid and a juice box.
9. The “Yoga” Mom. Lululemon. She may or may not actually do yoga. You’ll never know.
10. The “Hover” Mom. Can’t be bothered with conversation. Busy making sure her child doesn’t go down the slide face-first.
11. The “Sit On The Bench” Mom. Going down the slide face-first seems like a good learning experience.
12. The “Come To My House, Your Laundry Pile Is Nothing Compared to This Shit-Storm” Mom. Her house is a wreck. Her clutter gives your life meaning.
13. The “Come To My house, I’ll Make You Feel Painfully Inadequate” Mom. She has definitely vacuumed this week. Her kitchen is clean and she can make you coffee because she can actually see the counter. Also, throw pillows. Five. They are actually on the sofa.
14. The “I’ll Come To Your House Even If You’re Barfing And Bring You Pedialyte And Scrub Your Toilets” Mom. The most prized mom. She won’t even judge you for the pubic hair on your bathroom floor.