Eliana Osborn

When did I discover that sterilization isn’t as cut and dry as it seems? While sitting in a hospital gown, signing my life away, awaiting surgery.

Eighteen hours, even if prepared with reading and art material, snacks, and an upgrade to China Airline’s family couch seating, is still EIGHTEEN HOURS.

Best case scenario? A few hours of activity, then we all fall asleep comfortably. Worst case? Well, let's just say it involves blood splatter on those weird double-paned airplane window.

1. Borrow a child.

We take weekend turns. He does vacations and summers. Literally. He takes them away. It is great.

I’m a sucker for an interesting woman, so Notorious RBG is obviously my sort of book.

A haircut is a whole lot cheaper than therapy or tattoos or a round-the-world plane ticket.

After years in apartments that should have been condemned, even these sad restroom facilities were vast improvements. And so we stayed, the husband and I, vaguely embarrassed when guests stayed over and commented on the bordello vibe of the bathroom.

Then we had a kid. No working bathtub suddenly seemed like a big deal. And the functional bathroom spaces weren’t places you’d want to hang out. There’s a lot of bathroom time once you’ve got tiny humans. (You’ve been warned.)

I get how we want to make our kids successful and everything, right from the start. Feeding into the pressure, here’s the tagline from Starling’s company: “The world’s first word-tracking system that can improve your child’s trajectory for life.”

...But not in the way you'd think.

"Sharknado 3" has an especially unique moment when a human baby is born by being cut out of the side of a shark. Don’t ask questions, there’s nothing to explain.