Kate Ryan

Light some candles and use those bath salts you've been saving for a special occasion. Masturbate for 55 minutes.

Hollywood continues to flounder in a dick-sucking frenzy of self-congratulatory white male directors, writers, and producers.

The case of beer I brought, as my mother explained, is “pure poison” and so I must drink it all by myself.

We’ve all been there. Your boyfriend has a raging boner, but you’re just not in the mood to do anything with it. But how do you tell him to tone that boner down and quick? No need to worry. Here are ten simple, foolproof ways to kill that boner in ten seconds—or less—while keeping your man’s ego rock-hard.

“Don’t you smash that cake in my face, or I’ll never forgive you,” she said, and she never did, not really.

She got too high while watching The Bachelor and had a misanthropic breakdown.

She closed in on the open pores enlarged ten times their normal size by a high magnification pocket mirror.

Writing simply does for me what long walks do for small dogs; it makes me tired and happy.

We all love our dogs. However, some of us take it a little too far, convincing ourselves that our dogs are actually our children. You call your dog your “baby” one day, and the next thing you know, you’re pushing him or her down the street in an expensive stroller. How did we get here? Trust me, it’s a slippery slope. Here are 12 signs you might have a dog-child.

My tights are cutting me in half at the waist . . . just like a sausage in its casing.