Kate Ryan

My tights are cutting me in half at the waist . . . just like a sausage in its casing.

Light some candles and use those bath salts you've been saving for a special occasion. Masturbate for 55 minutes.

“Don’t you smash that cake in my face, or I’ll never forgive you,” she said, and she never did, not really.

For the record, I didn’t mean to be born so tall. I didn’t ask for bulky shoulders or a head that doesn’t fit most hats.

12:48 AM. Why would someone schedule an exorcism for the middle of a weeknight?

LAX, on the other hand, seemed like a perfect place to pick up the latest deadly virus.

My parents got the idea they’d send me to stay at my grandparents’ house in Florida for a week. I think my mother needed a week to herself.

Alison learned from her grandmother how a plastic smile could take you places—especially in a place like Hollywood.

Eva, having stayed up the whole night preoccupied with death and time, planned to call in sick.

She got too high while watching The Bachelor and had a misanthropic breakdown.