Let's say sayonara, sex shame!
I still remember the paralyzing fear that took hold of me after my first queef.
I was so humiliated, I never spoke to the guy again. Looking back, though, I realize this queef was a ridiculously dumb thing to be embarrassed about.
Sex can be super hot, but it should also be fun! It doesn’t need to be so serious all the time. Let's say sayonara, sex shame! I am so over you. Here are nine silly mistakes you shouldn’t be afraid to make in bed.
Giggling/Laughing/Snorting
Sex is hilarious sometimes. People do funny things — like dressing up as a Sunday school teacher and spanking you with a ruler. That is silly! I know you’re supposed to be super turned on by your partner, but it’s OK to laugh. At its core, sex is a game and games are fun.
One time, my partner pretended to be a deliciously sexy handyman. He started taking out vibrators from my sex toy box and went to fixing my vagina like it was a sink. I couldn’t help but giggle a little bit. It was too cute to see him trying to be seductive AND handy.
Sex isn’t always whips, chains, ball gags and steam. And that’s fine! Laughing with your partner during sex just shows you how close the two of you are and how strong your bond is.
Saying The Wrong Thing
Dirty talk is hot — but half the time you’re not exactly sure what you’re doing. Maybe something really graphic sounds wonderful in your head, but the moment it comes out of your mouth, you realize it was an f-ed up thing to say. Perhaps you shouldn’t tell your partner that your penis is smiling, or call your girlfriend mom. IDK.
It’s totally cool. We’ve all been there. Some people like really raunchy dirty talk, others prefer mild, and some want none at all. How you figure that out — and get good at your own delivery — is through trial and error. If you say the wrong thing, just go back to whatever you were doing before and move on.
Queefing
Queefing is classified by some as a vagina fart, but it’s not. Queefing happens when you put a penis (or another object) in your hoo-ha and the air trapped in the top is squeezed out, making a tooting sound. There is nothing wrong with this. It is a normal thing that happens to the body.
If you’re sleeping with someone and they make you feel bad for queefing, don’t hook up with that person again. It’s not like you can control it. You should never apologize for your bodily functions.
Asking Your Partner To Try Something Uncouth
As in wanting to try some super weird and unusual sex thing — whether it be BDSM, dripping hot wax on each other, sticking fruit in various places, and so on. Good sex is about being able to push outside of your comfort zone with a person you respect and trust.
If you can’t explore different things in the bedroom, you’re missing out. Perhaps you go ahead and try something new, and it doesn’t work out. One time I had my partner strap my ankles and wrists to the bed with restraints. He then placed a ball gag in my mouth and a blindfold over my eyes. I thought this would be SUPER hot. Spoiler: It wasn’t! I had a full-blown panic attack.
It turns out I only like to be minimally restrained. But it took trying something out of our usual repertoire to figure that out about myself.
Trying A Complicated Sex Position You’re Not Remotely Qualified For
There are so many articles online that will encourage you to try a variety of acrobatic-level sex positions. If you’re with a partner you trust, why not give it a go?
Alright, alright. Once in awhile, you’ll hear a terrible story about a daring sexcapade gone awry, but these occurrences are outliers. Usually, it’s just a hilarious, memorable experience.
Will every weird and complicated sex position be mind-blowing? No. Still, it’s exciting to try new and bizarre sex stuff. Just proceed with caution. If it doesn’t work out, don’t do that thing again.
Going For A New, Slightly Terrifying Sex Toy
Perhaps you’ve always wanted to try anal beads but were too afraid of the potential for pain, or poop. Who cares about a little poop? You should just go for it and see if you like it.
I once decided to be extra brave and try out a double-sided dildo that provided DP for me and anal stimulation for my partner. As it turned out, the toy was a little too mechanical and complicated to enjoy really. It was no big deal. We didn’t wind up using it again, but it was an interesting experience.
In the sexually squeamish culture in which we live, we need to break out of the box and experience pleasure in all its atypical forms. Where is the fun, otherwise?
Ending The Sex Before Orgasm
In a perfect world, sex would always finish with both partners orgasming. We do not live in a perfect world. Occasionally, you’re having sex, and an orgasm just isn’t on the horizon.
There’s nothing to be worried or ashamed about. Sometimes it just isn’t going to happen. There’s no reason to keep humping until you’re dried out and starting to get rug burn. You aren’t obligated to come 100% of the time.
Just climb off your partner’s naked body, cuddle for a while, and get back to your lives. Sex can still be enjoyable and fabulous, even without an orgasm.
Emotional Sex Crying
If you are having sex and start crying over your recent breakup, that is embarrassing. We’ve all been there. So please, don’t sweat it.
During other (better) sexual encounters, you cry because your emotions are so intertwined with your partner. Sometimes you’re making love, and the intense passion (and subsequent orgasm) just slide you right over the edge because it's so damn beautiful. This is not something to be ashamed of.
Sex can be beautiful! It’s a magical human experience you have with someone you care about deeply. Pleasure and love are inextricably linked. It is always good to honor that connection.
Getting Kind Of Weird Or Awkward
So, your partner asks you to squeeze his nipples while you call him daddy. Maybe this isn’t something you’re into doing, and it gets kind of weird. Perhaps you’re playing out a fantasy where you’re the lunch lady in the high school cafeteria. After a few minutes, you realize this sexual fantasy might be good for your partner, but it’s making you feel all kinds of uncomfortable.
There is nothing wrong with admitting your discomfort. You don’t have to go along with something that’s making you feel icky.
On the other hand, if you’re trying something new that is both hot and making you feel weird, that’s fine. Everyone has moments of self-doubt and confusion. Embracing those bumps and allowing for missteps are what keep sex so interesting, fun, and worthwhile.
Ultimately, just remember sex is not seamless. It is not a porno. Sex is a real-life experience, and there will be kinks along the way. That's all part of the fun.
