Listful Thinking: 10 Ways to Escape a Dastardly Date

In China, a man using the pseudonym Fang Yan is suing his ex girlfriend for the stress she caused him surrounding her obsession with a plush Snoopy doll. And sadly no, this is not The Onion—this is real life! The story goes that arguably twisted woman demanded that her stuffed Snoopy doll attend the couple's outings, which included movie and dinner dates; Snoopy (naturally) required his own tickets and food which racked up extra costs and calories for the odd pair (trio?).

I mean, that's pretty crazy Giana but this couldn't have lasted more than like five months, right?  And the sex must have been off the hizz right?!

Sorry dear Ravishers, we can't comment on their (hopefully) red-hot sex lives, but the relationship lasted four. freakin. years. Oh, and it ended when Fang's ex slapped him publicly for refusing to take Snoopy to the bathroom!

We may never know how this relationship made it past the first date...or ninth but don't be a Fang—learn how to get the hell oughta dodge from a wacko date gracefully! 

1.) Go into the date already with "later plans." Family is best—they're less threatening. At the beginning of the date, say, "by the way, I have to take off in an hour to help my cousin with [her English homework] [her new apartment] [her UFO abduction] . . ." If you like your date, "cancel" your plans. Your date will be flattered. Then again, if the date turns out to be a hobgoblin, you can escape!

2.) Order chamomile tea. Feign sleepiness. Yawn. Apologize. Run (sleepily) away!

3.) Mention a pet, casually. When things aren't going your way, 'remember' that you simply must tend to said pet. The grosser the details the better—you don't need a call back.

4.) Still in school? Wait for your date to say a key phrase, like "Miles Davis." Wait a second, don't you have a paper due on jazz music? Panic, pay your half, and bounce.

5.) Cough maniacally and apologize for your nasty illness. Wow, wouldn't it just be better if you went home and didn't spread germs?

6.) Have tattoos or piercings? Maybe you notice an infection mid cocktail. Maybe it's better that you take off and tend to it—you wouldn't want what happened last time to occur again.

7.) If you live in an urban area, a dwindling parking meter can be your savior. Just pray your dastardly date isn't tech-savvy and says: "oh, beautiful maiden, there's an app that lets you pay those things by phone!" Then you might just have to clutch your stomach, moan "diarrheaaaa" and get the hell out of there. 

8.) Meeting at night? Tell your date that you couldn't possibly break curfew. Smile. Act like it's normal.

9.) Signal the waiter and pay the bill. Thank your date for a lovely time and leave. As the great Paul Simon once warbled, "You don't need to discuss much."

10.) Grab your lady-balls and tell the (maybe) creep that you're just not feeling it and would like to call it an early night. Swell your chest with big-girl pride as he weeps and weeps over his spaghetti. Then run like hell to your girlfriends to dish the dirt. (You're not that grown up!)

Sorry Fang, you're not really gonna get that money back—you could have escaped a long-ass time ago!

Image: See? Even Snoopy himself knows how to escape. Courtesy of, Facebook.

If you like this article, please share it! Your clicks keep us alive!