Can't Get To Second Base? Oculus Rift Is Here To Help!

Courtesy of Youtube

Courtesy of Youtube

Have you heard of Oculus Rift? If you ever find yourself identifying with Penny from The Big Bang Theory, the answer is probably a fat screaming yes.

For those of you with boring normal friends, allow me to explain: it's a mobile virtual reality headset fully capable of submersing you in an arguably heightened and false reality. Because, you know, real life is

And now, there's a new game (can we technically call it that?) to help those that are sorely bereft of the real deal, explore the joys of second base. 

Say hello to the Boobie Squeezing Simulator.  

This is one of those situations where I'm not sure if I should be offended, delighted, confused or depressed. Perhaps I'll know once I stop laughing at the absolute absurdity of it all. A Japanese video sharing site (Nico Nico Douga) recently exploded when user Ryuto uploaded a video of his Oculus friendly creation: the Boobie Squeezing Simulator. 

Predictably, he dons the headset and squeezes faux boobs on a vaguely female shaped board. Stranger still a pseudo doll is featured mounted to the right of computer screen which the boy hapzardly squeezes. What are these tits made of? Gel? Sand? Actual animal fat obtained during a ritual sacrifice? Presumably, users wouldn't know how real tatas feel—so people could get a little weird with this one! 

The creepy part (yes, it does get worse) is that the animated girl does not seem excited. In fact, she looks angry and tries to brush the users' hands away. Granted Japan's notion of female sexuality is tackled differently than Western society's, yet the global discussion is going to get pretty heated here. Though I suspect Rush Limbaugh would find her reaction all part of the subtle "art" of seduction. 

In conclusion?

I'd rather have this boy's hands on a pair of toys than the boobs of my loved ones. Plus—correct me if I'm wrong, straight men and lesbians—isn't there some innate joy in watching boobs bounce mid coitus? Sadly that has to be done with a real person. Having sex with a real person (even a sex worker) takes a degree of vulnerability, bravery and mutual communication. And I'm just not sure if this experience is going to prepare said groper for a real life nipple in hand. 

Sitting alone and squeezing fake boobs on a virtual reality simulator feels laughable and a bit creepy. (With the small exception of humanity seeking this technology out that suffers from sexual anxiety or something.) In fact, I find it all so odd I can't even get my feathers ruffled that its misogynistic; rather, I see this game as a complete lack of understanding about women.

All in all I have to say that the hours spent squeezing an angry simulation were probably be better spent talking to real-life women who might let you actually get to second base. But damn, have I had a good laugh today.


If you like this article, please share it! Your clicks keep us alive!