5 Ways You Are Unknowingly Destroying Your Wife And Killing Your Marriage

Credit: Thinkstock

Credit: Thinkstock

Katelyn Carmen recently wrote an article for Family Share called "5 Ways You Are Unknowingly Destroying Your Husband And Killing Your Marriage" that, despite (or maybe because of?) its overt sexism and women-bashing went viral, even landing coverage on Time.com.

Here's what the article helpfully pointed out to me and my fellow women: We're unappreciative, negative, unable to put our real or hypothetical husbands above all else, like to withhold sex and don't speak the language of men (must've missed that language class in high school). Taken together, these things are doing nothing less than destroying men and killing marriages. Thanks for the enlightenment!

"Inspired" by this article, I've decided to devise my own, equally preposterous list: "5 Ways You Are Unknowingly Destroying Your Wife And Killing Your Marriage."

Remember, men . . . happy wife, happy life!

1. Not Buying Us Everything We Want

Carmen says women should "stop living outside of what they can afford" and quotes a wise woman who intones: "The best thing you can do as a wife is live within your husband's means."

Well maybe instead, men should buy us all the materialistic shit we want without making such a fuss about it.

I mean seriously, if your wife wants an expensive Marc Jacobs bag—she's a girl, so all she cares about is expensive Marc Jacobs bags—why not just buy it without griping and getting angry about balancing the checkbook or whatever? Stop with the stinginess . . . because we all know there's no way she could be employed, earn money and buy the purse for herself.

2. Not Being Negative Enough (Because Sometimes We Need The Lesson!)

Carmen says women are way too negative, constantly "hounding husbands with complaints." Well maybe men could stand to be more negative.

When your wifey asks, “Do I look fat in this?” and you say, “I liked the fifth pair of jeans you tried on,” this is really just saying she looked fat in pairs one, two, three, four and six. Stop with the BS and say she looks fat. Also, keep rule #1 in mind and buy her a gym membership. Lord knows she could probably use it.

3. Not Putting Your Team First

Carmen says husbands should always come first, and that women too often look out for their kids or (blasphemy!) themselves instead.

Perhaps men should heed similar advice by treating their favorite sports team like a husband, always putting it above all else. As the breadwinners and keepers of the credit card, they've certainly earned that right. And besides, that'll give wives more time to watch TLC, Lifetime and any other networks with shows similar to Say Yes To The Dress and I Found The Gown.

4. Not Asking For BJs More Clearly

Carmen says women withhold affection too much, and that "even though you might not always be in the mood, it's worth it to give in (when you can) and spend that time bonding."

But how are we supposed to know how best to please a man sexually whenever and however he wants if there's no clear indication that it's time to shirk our own desires and get kneeling? Maybe men should start using a little bell to ring every time they want a blowjob. Even if a wife has had a fight with her husband, or has a sore throat from screaming “Go Jets” every time her hubby's favorite team scores, or it's that time of month and she's a total bloated bitch, a blowjob should always come first. Oh, and for the record, when a woman says “No,” she really means “just kidding” . . . but she probably shouldn’t kid about your sexual needs!

5. Not Mansplaining Enough

Sometimes, women just don’t understand what you are talking about, especially when it comes to sports, world events and whatever the hell a stock market is, so feel free to mansplain things to us. Speak slowly and don’t use big words. Think simple, like you are talking to a child.

*Yes, this ridiculous gender stereotyping is sarcastic. But, sadly, the same most definitely can't be said of Carmen's article.

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