5 Totally Arbitrary New Fashion Rules For Spring

Those thighs shouldn’t just be casual acquaintances; they should be codependent lovers who can’t get enough of each other.

Traditional fashion “rules” dictate that all women should dress to look tall, thin, young, and feminine at all times, no matter the actual shape of our bodies, or age, or our personal style preferences. These rules are treated as gospel by fashion magazines, TV shows, and the general public, when, in reality, they are completely arbitrary (not to mention completely ridiculous!). To underscore this fact, let’s take a look at a Spring 2015 Fashion Trend Report in which common fashion commandments are flipped on their heads. Sure, some of these new rules might sound ridiculous, but remember: the rules we abide by now make just as little sense. The moral of this story? Make your own rules. Wear what you love. Know you look amazing.

Big Bellies Are BIG for Spring

It’s the year of bountiful belly! If you have a flat belly (sigh, it’s something many of us struggle with), consider doing a pizza cleanse to change that in time for bikini season, but for a quick workaround to give the impression of a larger, rounder belly, reach for boxy tops and thick, horizontal stripes. Whatever you do, remember you’re aiming for a wide, round, soft shape.

Long Legs Are So Over

Good news, petite ladies! Short, stumpy legs are making a comeback! Highlight your abbreviated gams with cropped pants, ankle strap shoes, and comfy flats—no more painful high heels! Long-legged ladies, try drop-crotch pants to shorten your leg line and make you appear shorter and stumpier.

This Season’s “It” Bag? Under-Eye Bags!

Smooth, taut, youthful skin? So passé! Wrinkles and eye bags are proof of a life well lived, so show them off! Shorten your sleeping schedule and use purple eyeshadow to enhance your under-eye bags. Play up your smile lines by using a powder slightly darker than your skintone and letting it settle into the creases around your eyes (for inspiration, think less “Kendall Jenner” and more “Mother Teresa”). Amp up wrinkle production by throwing out your sunscreen and hitting the tanning bed.

Thin Lips Are Sexy

We’ve all been lusting after big, pillow-y Angelina lips for years (and using collagen shots, stinging lip-plumping gloss, and iridescent lip pencils accordingly), but this season, thin lips are where it’s at. If you’re lucky enough to have a naturally diminutive pout, make it look even smaller with dark matte lipstick. Tired of having plump, full lips? (Ugh, aren’t we all?) Consider going the surgical route! Doctors have developed a new procedure to extract fat from your lips and inject it into your thighs, because . . . drum roll please . . .

. . . Thigh Rub Is The New Thigh Gap!

The old ideal was a gap wide enough to frame an artful between-the-thighs sunset photo on Instagram. The new ideal? Those thighs shouldn’t just be casual acquaintances; they should be codependent lovers who can’t get enough of each other. This season’s on-trend thighs are big (muscle or jiggle is fine, as long as the girth is there) and constantly rubbing together. Show them off with miniskirts and short shorts. It’s 2015, ladies! Embrace the chafe!

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