In a breakthrough research study — that definitely no one has ever tested before in the history of science — drunk scientists in Washington have declared that "red wine can help you lose weight."
Yes, you heard that right. Your favorite beverage is the key to weight loss.
Goodbye Weight Watchers! So long, Jenny Craig! We have a new BFF in the house.
Lead researcher Professor Min Du, from Washington State University, explains how it works:
"Polyphenols in fruit, including resveratrol, increase gene expression that enhances the oxidation of dietary fats so the body won’t be overloaded."
"They convert white fat into beige fat which burns lipids (fats) off as heat, helping to keep the body in balance and prevent obesity and metabolic dysfunction."
In other words...this is fantastic news!
"New research has found that an ingredient in grapes and berries turns your fat into calorie-burning ‘brown’ fat.
Of course, this ingredient, known as resveratrol, can also be found in blueberries, strawberries, raspberries, and apples."
I have a theory.
My theory is, if you had a feast of blueberries, strawberries, raspberries, apples and red wine...you would magically grow a scarlet toga with an 18-inch golden belt, and be renamed "Aphrodite." Which is a pretty sweet deal, if you think about it.
But we can't all be Aphrodite. That would just be silly. For one, it is very difficult to pronounce "Aphrodite" while drunk (#experience).
The only way we can control this mass transformation of all women on earth becoming Aphrodite is to pace ourselves. We must have a devoted discipline with this newfound power of transfigurating metamorphosis.
The best way we can solve this problem is to pair our wine with our meals throughout the day.
Starter Meal Plan
A light cabernet sauvignon with our morning strawberry Pop-Tart(s).
Perhaps a pint of saucy pinot noir with your tuna salad lunch.
A bottle of petite sirah with the Goldfish crackers you stole from the kids' snack cupboard in the afternoon.
Another bottle of merlot, while you finish watching Jake and the Neverland Pirates. Ugh. Captain Hook is not sexy in this version, at all. What happened to the sexy Captain Hook? What if Michael Fassbender wore that jacket? Yes! Hollywood needs to get on this, pronto. I need to text someone this great idea.
A jug of "red wine blend" to finish the evening as you rock out to your hidden Taylor Swift albums on your iPhone. She is so cool. How can she be so cool? Taylor is THE BEST. SHE HAS THE BEST HAIR. OMG I love her hair. And her shoes. I should find her shoes on Amazon. And buy them all.
At this point in the night, you are so in love with your jams, you don't even remember that you are supposed to eat more than Goldfish and Pop-Tarts.
But it doesn't even matter. You are just happy and in love...and on the road to weight loss!