Ugly chair. Possible sex chair.
So you need to buy a chair. Nothing super fancy, just a comfy extra seat for your living room. And maybe you’re on a budget or trying to be more eco-friendly so you decide to look for a used chair on Craigslist. Good for you! Here’s a snapshot of the 10-stage emotional journey you’re about to embark on:
1. Hope and wonder.
The initial browsing phase of shopping for a chair on Craigslist fills you with a sense of childlike hope and wonder. Look at the hundreds of different chairs for sale, all within 20 miles of your house! Look at this thriving online sharing economy that proves humans are capable of trust and kindness and teamwork! How magical! Maybe you’ll buy an antique French chair from your elderly neighbor. Maybe you’ll buy five vintage dining room chairs from a whimsical art teacher who lives in a teepee. Maybe you’ll buy a floral chaise lounge from a charming couple who will ultimately become your friends, and not just regular friends, but like “go on vacation together”-level friends. The possibilities are endless!
Hmm. Upon closer inspection, many of the endless possibilities are not quite as magical as they seemed on first glance. That antique French chair has a prominent cat pee stain on it. That whimsical art teacher who lives in a teepee might be less “whimsical” than “kleptomaniacal,” judging by the “PROPERTY OF RED LOBSTER” stamped on the bottom of those dining chairs she’s trying to pass off as vintage. And how are you supposed to become best friends with a couple who’s trying to sell a used IKEA chaise lounge for triple its retail value? Sigh. Your trust in both people and chairs is faltering.
Will you ever find a chair you like? Are there any good chairs left in this world? Why are so many people in your neighborhood attempting to sell “lightly used” sex chairs? What is a sex chair? Does any chair become a sex chair once you have sex in it? Oh my God, Googling “sex chair” was the best/worst idea you’ve ever had. That looks kind of fun, actually. Should you buy a sex chair instead? Is sex in a sex chair better than sex in a sex bed? What is a sex bed? What is a bed? What is a chair? What is reality?
4. Hesitant excitement.
Wait, could it be? You just found a chair that’s really cute, the perfect size for your living room, with no visible pee or semen stains, for $20 less than your max budget! Should you get excited, though? It’s probably too good to be true. Proceed with caution. Text the person selling it to see if it’s still available and gauge their vibe.
Chair owner texts back, “I live behind cemetery u cum 10pm bring cash.” This person is clearly a murderer, possibly a ghost, and probably the kind of ghost murderer that snacks on people awhile before murdering them. And they have your phone number. Damnit.
That’s it! Craigslist is not worth the trouble. You officially give up and go to a real furniture store instead.
7. Depressed resignation.
After checking the price tags on chairs at the furniture store you decide to give Craigslist one more try.
8. Hope: round two.
Good news! While you were experiencing sticker shock at the furniture store, a new chair was posted on Craigslist, and this one is even more perfect than the previous perfect one! Not to mention cheaper and closer to your house and the person writing the ad doesn’t sound murder-y at all. This could be it: THE chair. YOUR chair.
You text the chair owner and they respond in warm, kind complete sentences. You set up a time to come look at the chair. Eureka! It’s just as comfortable as it is cute. You make an offer. They accept.
10. Restored faith in humanity and chairs.
You bought the chair! And it’s perfect! And it was such a good deal and looks fabulous in your living room and no one got murdered! People are good! Chairs are good! What a wonderful world we live in! But would it be a better world if you owned a sex chair? Probably. Maybe you can find one on Craigslist.