Motherhood is easily the toughest, most sacred job on earth. Without moms, the human race simply wouldn’t be here. But personally, I’d rather dangle myself from dental floss over a volcano full of spiders than push another human being out of my body. And thanks to years of watching Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, 16 and Pregnant, Jersey Shore, Dance Moms, Toddlers and Tiaras and last, but not certainly least, 19 Kids And Counting, I decided it was my duty to share a list, in case you want to convince yourself to NEVER have kids:
1. Being a kid sucks! Remember growing pains? Middle school? Learning Santa wasn’t real? Do you really want to do that to your own kid?
2. SO MUCH POOP. Many wonderful surprises await new parents; cleaning up diarrhea is not one of them.
3. No time to poop. Honestly, I don’t think it’s a big deal to have a BM while giving birth. A lot of people bring that up as a negative aspect of childbearing, but any BM is worth celebration in my book. The harder sell should be this: once the baby’s out, you likely won’t have the time to poop again for a good long while. Which brings me to . . .
4. Freedom. Personally, I want the freedom to be a lonely old spinster someday without a single person I can guilt into changing my adult diapers. Because this is America!
5. Vaginal tearing. That is all.
6. Awkward conversations. From, “Mommy, where do babies come from?” to “Mom, why am I still unemployable even with my creative writing degree?” If you plan on becoming a mother, also plan on dealing with lots of opportunities for awkwardness, basically until you die.
7. Mucus plugs, cottage cheese, and placentas. Before giving birth, a snot ball the size of a chicken egg will fall out of your vagina. Then, your gorgeous baby will crawl out of there, except that he/she will be covered in your insides and a clumpy substance that looks like cottage cheese. Finally, a slimy pouch of blood and mucus will have to be pulled out of your body. Hippies will then try to get you to eat the bloody, mucus-y organ that grew inside you, forever ruining foods with similar names like polenta and pancetta.
8. You could give birth to a lizard person. Think about it. There’s no guarantee your boyfriend/husband/sperm donor isn’t a lizard hiding under human skin. I mean, we think we know whom we’re sleeping with, but do we? Do we really?
If somehow you’re still convinced that you need to have a child, then for the love of God, please adopt! In LA alone, there are about 1 million Chihuahuas looking for their fur-ever homes. There’s no guarantee your Chihuahua baby won’t poop on you at some point, but she definitely won’t expect you to shell out a hundred grand for her art degree.