Kate Ryan

We’ve all been there. Your boyfriend has a raging boner, but you’re just not in the mood to do anything with it. But how do you tell him to tone that boner down and quick? No need to worry. Here are ten simple, foolproof ways to kill that boner in ten seconds—or less—while keeping your man’s ego rock-hard.

She closed in on the open pores enlarged ten times their normal size by a high magnification pocket mirror.

I would send some chocolates, but I’m not allowed anymore since they found the shiv in the birthday cake I sent you.

He thought I was mad, but in an artistic way; I thought he was horny all the time, but in an artistic way.

My tights are cutting me in half at the waist . . . just like a sausage in its casing.

“Don’t you smash that cake in my face, or I’ll never forgive you,” she said, and she never did, not really.

He died a violent death. I saw him myself, flopping between wooden blades, his head bent back strangely.

The birds abandon their posts in the pepper trees, sending tiny, oblong leaves raining to the ground.

She gropes for attention while he dies in the other room.

Light some candles and use those bath salts you've been saving for a special occasion. Masturbate for 55 minutes.