There are some hipster things that hipsters want us to love, so we’ll join their cult. But we’re done falling for these things because we’re all unique individuals. Here are 10 things you need to avoid if you don’t want to be a hipster.
1. Irony. It’s one of the great literary terms of our time. But do we even know what it means? That takes too much time to figure out. Let’s move on . . .
2. Hats. The only practical purpose they have is shielding your face from the sun’s cancerous rays. The infamous beanie can keep your head warm in frigid regions, preventing you from dying of hypothermia. They are so yesteryear.
3. Short, edgy haircuts. Sure, short hair might dry faster and be easier to style, but what if you want to grow your hair out again? What happens then? Don’t risk it.
4. Alcohol. Nothing spells hipster like a delicious and inventive whiskey cocktail. Avoid it at all costs.
5. Jars. Reusing jam jars might be an eco-friendly, portable way to drink your iced matcha, but I have a bigger concern here. The cups and glasses we used to drink out of are feeling so abandoned there might be an uprising. We should all be scared for our lives.
6. Bikes. They’re an affordable, fun method of transportation. If everyone rode a bike instead of using a car, we’d reduce our massive carbon footprint. We’d probably all get good exercise, too. How annoying.
7. Succulents. Especially succulents that grow in unlikely places. They’re so easy to grow that they propagate themselves. Additionally, they use less water than most plants, making them a water-conscious alternative for landscaping. How obnoxious is that?
8. iPhones. They only make our lives easier. Lame!
9. Cats. Sure, they make for great viral videos and the best of friends, but who needs a cat if it’s cliché? I’m taking my Mr. Snuffles back to the pound right now.
10. Caring about things. Like the environment, gender equality, blah, blah . . . caring about things might be good as far as improving the planet and all, but do you really want to care at the cost of losing your street cred? Only care about things if you want to look like a hipster bore.
Stay strong, fellow anti-hipsters. It’s a tough job, but somebody’s got to do it.