7 Realities of Adulthood That Can Kiss My Ass

How lovely were the carefree days of being a younger adult.

How lovely were the carefree days of being a younger adult.

Griping about adulting is a fun thing that we like to do, I know. But in all honesty, can’t you easily drum up handfuls of reasons as to why being a grownup downright sucks? I know I can. Here is a very modest list of the realities of adulthood that totally blow, because anything longer than this would start cutting into that dangerous-levels-of-negativity territory that today’s leading experts tell us isn’t healthy. So without further ado: a perfectly healthy dose of complaining.

1. Taxes.

Oh, so we have to file our taxes by a certain deadline each year, making sure to claim every last penny we earned, only to either be penalized and have to pay up, or to be meagerly rewarded for our relative poverty by getting a modest consolation prize? Wow, thanks, government! You’re a blast!

2. Extended hangovers.

Oh, god. I remember so vividly the days when I could drink to my heart’s content and skip only a beat or two the next day. At the very worst, I’d have to sleep until 2 p.m. and nurse some water and a bottle of ibuprofen for a day before I’d be back up and doing cartwheels down the street. But now, if I drink too much, I can just go ahead and cancel all my commitments for a full week before I feel good enough to get up off the floor.

3. Mortgages.

Remind me again why I decided to invest in a mortgage just to have the blessed privilege of getting to be responsible for my own broken furnace, my own clogged drains, my own warped floorboards and my own leaky pipes…? I miss the days when I could call my landlord and heave those issues onto him; or better yet, when I could inhale deeply and let out an exceedingly loud “DAAAAAD!” anytime even the smallest of issues would arise.

4. Random aches & pains.

Tired of hearing senior citizens complaining of hip pain without being able to relate? Then look no further than your mid-30s! Because there, you’ll find a wealth of hip pain, of cracking toes, of weird knee problems and oh, so much more! It’s fun! You should come! (IT’S NOT FUN. DON’T COME.)

5. Winter.

I’m well aware that winter happens regardless of whether or not we’ve hit adulthood. But where once I’d spend frigid winter days blissfully ignorant and lounging around my parents’ house in a t-shirt, I now live in a world where I have to wonder what illegal activity my parents must’ve been involved with in order to pay their heat bills. Between paying hundreds of dollars a month just to keep my house at a meager 63 degrees, wrestling with my car when it won’t start in the morning, and fumbling around in the dark just to save a few pennies on my electric bill, it’s a wonder how I survive these god-awful months at all.

6. Phone calls.

It boggles my mind that there was ever a day in which I would pick up the phone and call my friend — or even my friendS (PLURAL!) because three-way calling was a novelty and I relished the idea of talking about literally nothing for three hours straight while my parents begged me to get off the line so that they could log on to the internet to check their e-mail. Today, if somebody has the audacity to call me without warning, I involuntarily throw my phone in the toilet and hide under my bed until the sun goes down.

7. Commitments.

Remember when going over to your friend’s house was something you actually looked forward to? Or when even seeing another human being’s face because you had an arrangement to do so felt like a pleasure, at the least? Now, here we are in an existence where unless you’re our best friend, and a partner with whom we can sit there comfortably and say literally nothing, we’re dreading meeting with you for upwards of a week prior to our get-together. Conjured-up excuses can get tricky, but we’ll find a way to back out if at all humanly possible.

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