Gigi Engle

Attention everyone: DIY sex toys are NOT a good idea. Here’s why.

Honestly, I’d say about 90% of the sex I have in my long-term monogamous relationship is “vanilla.” We are, believe it or not, a normal couple who does normal sex things just like anyone else. We are two people who know what the other likes and we do those things.

Breakups are emotionally charged experiences that leave us hollow and pretty messed up. It’s not to say we won’t come back better and stronger — we always do! But, we do some thoroughly toxic nonsense before we get to that place.

Sex-related health advances, toys, and tech have come a long way from one-size-fits-all-condoms or vibrators that are just varying degrees of the same vibrating stick. NOT ANYMORE.

It is a strange thing to find oneself at the tentative intersection of being female, sex positive, and in a long-term, monogamous relationship.

I have accumulated plenty of sex tips for fellow uncoordinated people. Embrace your quirks so everyone can get off! Here are seven of my absolute favorite, tried and true ways to keep sex fun and simple.

You guys have a lot of trouble dating these days, now that women have this silly notion in their marble-sized brains that they should maybe want to be treated like equals to you. HOW RIDICULOUS. EW! Luckily, you can work around these ideals. Women aren’t really smart enough to comprehend them anyway, you know?

Certain qualities and personality traits are solid indicators of whether or not you can hack an LDR.

I’m talking about nagging. Men MUST stop using this word! Here's why.

Blowjobs are good, wholesome, and very sexy fun. While they are enjoyable, I think we all know they don’t call it “job” without reason. It is a J-O-B.