Image credit: The Oregonian
Once upon a time, a band of heavily-armed men decided to take over an Oregon federal building. Because they were white, the Feds didn't shoot them in 12 seconds, and nobody even really did anything about it. (Possibly also because these intrepid defenders of our Constitution decided to seize a bird sanctuary.)
Lacking an immediate shoot out, these brave souls soon realized a few things: 1) It's cold, 2) They are hungry, and 3) It costs a lot of money to keep a bird sanctuary running. Still, the men remained resolute in the face of overwhelming obstacles, including being turned into erotica by Twitter –– but then the dildos started arriving in the mail.
Proving that nothing is more enraging than a bunch of dicks, Oregon militia organizer Jon Ritzheimer took to social media last night to rant about the dick mail. In the video and accompanying Facebook post, Ritzheimer made it clear that he's sick of the hate mail and bags of dildos and dick-shaped candy arriving in the mail every day (bonus points for dick-shaped snacks!), and at one point he gets so angry that he even flings all of the dicks onto the ground. A+ drama, two thumbs up.
These dicks haven't dissuaded Ritzheimer and the rest of the militia, though. They are pretty mad about the dicks, the Constitution, and their rights (and shouldn't you go help someone –– perhaps birds –– instead of wasting time and money sending them dildos?), but they know they are doing the right thing because founding fathers.
To be fair, the last thing the Oregon militia needed was anymore dicks. But when your organization embodies a bag of dicks, you probably shouldn't be surprised when they start arriving in the mail. Also, sending out a call for snacks might not have been the best idea you've ever had. Or, you know, seizing a fucking BIRD SANCTUARY.