Thank LITERAL God, The Rapture Is Coming.
Take the recently apocalyptic weather, Kim Jong Un launching missiles like they’re firecrackers, goshdang climate change, and people being generally awful to one another, add Leo and Virgo, and what do you get?
THE EM-EFFING RAPTURE.
In case you missed Sunday school, the Rapture is the second coming of Jesus Christ as prophesied in John 14:1-3. As long as you’ve lived “sin-free”* you get to meet the good Lord.
*For you sinners in the crowd, sorry, you’re screwed.**
**Jesus died for your sins though, so if you repent real quick you might be okay.
Aforementioned Rapture is apparently set to arrive September 23, 2017.
Which is like next Saturday. So you better get your shit together.
We can’t know this for sure but an apocalyptic theory called Revelation 12 Sign predicts the Rapture will soon be fulfilled with the "appearance of a woman clothed with the sun, with the moon under her feet and a crown of twelve stars on her head."
So that’s not terrifying at ALL.
Who IS this woman? Well, she apparently represents the constellation Virgo. And the crown of stars? That’s Leo.
Which just HAPPENS to be my sign.
As a Leo through and through, I can tell you that nothing pleases a Leo more than reppin' in the rapture.
According to the Revelation 12 Sign theory, the rapture will take place in two parts, with a seven year period of tribulation in between, during which the Antichrist will bring destruction upon Mankind. No word on how long parts one and two will take.
Damn, that escalated quickly.
BAD NEWS: That sounds really bad.
GOOD NEWS: I’m probably not going to have to finish paying off my student loans.
BAD NEWS: I will still have to pay them for all the years between now and total annihilation.
If you are wondering where in the Bible it says the end is nigh, here you go:
Thessalonians 4:16-17: The heavens will open during the end of days, with God lifting those who are alive 'into the clouds'.
And Peter 3:1:: 'But the day of the Lord will come as a thief in the night, in which the heavens will pass away with a great noise, and the elements will melt with fervent heat; both the earth and the works that are in it will be burned up.'
If the Lord is coming life a thief, I better beef up my home security system. How am I supposed to know it’s the Lord? What if it’s a home invasion robber that just says he’s the Lord?
What does the Lord even look like?
He looks like a bearded white dude in every painting you see, but the man lived in ISRAEL 2,000 years ago. He is probably not white. Look for a brown guy in a robe maybe?
The totally rational dude behind this theory is William Tapley AKA The Third Eagle Of The Apocalypse and/or Co Prophet Of The End Of Times.
So that's not ego-centric at all.
Here he is explaining the fall of mankind (in 13 minutes and 34 seconds).
Lucky for you, I found Moshe, who debunks this whole theory in a mere 3 hours and 8 minutes.
Even if you don’t have three hours, you should definitely watch at least five minutes of this video.
Moshe is not worried.
Look at him. The man is in a f%#ng recliner. I believe Moshe. A man with eyebrows the size of baby kittens is trustworthy.
GOOD NEWS: There is a much higher chance that Moshe is right about this mess.
BAD NEWS: If Moshe turns out to be wrong, I am for sho going to burn alive.
See you in the fire?