Look up “Hair tutorial” on Pinterest and you’ll be treated to a smorgasbord of complicated braids, twists, and double-reverse-spiral-chignons that are undeniably gorgeous but nearly impossible to replicate in real life. I think we all know by now that Pinterest is largely a realm of fantasy, but still, I can’t help but roll my eyes when I see photos of ridiculously complex hair sculptures accompanied by the words “Easy” and DIY!” DIY if you have 8 extra arms and eyes on the back of your head, maybe, but for the rest of us? Not so much. In the interest of getting real, here are a few more attainable hairstyle tutorials that you won’t ever see on Pinterest, but you really can do at home...
1. The “I Just Had Amazing Sex”
How To: Have some really amazing, sweaty, acrobatic sex, for as long as possible. Really go at it. Let the sweat and friction frizz your hair up into a giant tangled knot. Boom. Done.
2. The “Second Day Gym Ponytail That Somehow Still Looks Really Good”
How To: Throw your hair into a quick ponytail to keep it off your face during your spinning class. After your workout, go to fix your hair and realize, whoa, that haphazard ponytail actually looks kind of amazing and chic. Keep ponytail in for work, post-work cocktails, late night Netflix-ing, etc. Sleep in it, wake up the next morning -- holy shit, gym ponytail still looks amazing! Wonder if you are a witch, pledge never to take out magic ponytail.
3. The “I Literally Woke Up Like This”
How To: Go to sleep. Wake up.
4. The “Desperately Trying To Hide The Results Of A Drunken Bang Trim”
How To: Toss back half a bottle of merlot while watching “Daredevil.” Pause it for a pee break. Glance in bathroom mirror, notice bangs are getting slightly unruly. Grab scissors while thinking, “How hard can it be?” Turns out it was harder than you ever imagined. The next morning, pull back your freshly ravaged George-Clooney-circa-”ER” bangs with a butterfly clip and try to pass it off as your ironic new look. Cry yourself to sleep.
5. The “I Let My Niece Practice French Braiding On Me”
How To: While hanging out with your 7-year-old niece, offer to be her hair model so she can practice her French braiding skills (lord knows she needs it). When she’s finished, coat the knotted, crooked braid with a hearty spritz of Aqua Net to make it last for a few days. Have your niece draw up a few crayon business cards so you can send her referrals (make sure you get a cut of the profits).
6. The “Pre-Hair Appointment Amazing Hair Day”
How To: Schedule an appointment with an expensive hairstylist, and be sure they have a strict no-cancellation policy. Wake up on the morning of your appointment having the best hair day of your life, guaranteed.
7. The “Flu”
How To: Lie on the couch for ten days. Do not shower. Do not change clothes. Do not wash your face or hair or armpits. Surround yourself in a cocoon of soiled Kleenex, Saltine cracker crumbs, and paperback romance novels. On the afternoon of the 10th day, get up and be treated to a greasy rat nest plastered to the back of your head. Effortless!
8. The “I Tried To Do A Complicated Hair Tutorial From Pinterest And Gave Up Halfway Through”
How To: Pull up a super complex, flawless-looking hair tutorial on Pinterest. Ideally something with multiple layers of French braids, pin curls, and twists, topped off with a sock bun chignon. Give it your best shot for about 10 minutes, frequently referring back to step 2 because that’s the farthest you can get without spraining your shoulder trying to hold the 3rd braid in place underneath the sock bun behind your head while twisting your bangs around a hot curling iron. Decide this hairstyle is not worth the toll it’s taking on your physical and emotional health. Give up. When people offer half-hearted compliments on your one limp braid hanging out of the sock on your head, say, “Thank you! I learned it on Pinterest.”