6 Reasons You Should Never Read Books

Reading. Ugh. Amirite?

Just don’t do it. In fact, reading this is in direct opposition to the titular admonition above. But I can tell you’re one of those rebel types. The one that got okay-ish grades but teachers would always add comments in the margins of your report cards like, “Sarah is so great. She just needs to work on her inside voice,” or “Jim is very studious when he is able to stay in his seat.” And since you insist on continuing with what you proudly call “living on the edge,” but what is actually just being an obnoxious rulebreaker, I’ll assume that you are going to at least read a bit more of this, if only out of spite. 

So here are the reasons why you shouldn’t bother with being a bookworm:

1. Reading improves focus and concentration.

Oh, and memory, too. I don’t know about you, but I like jumping from one task to another every fraction of a second. And there are definitely some life moments I’m actively trying not to remember.

2. Moving your eyes over pages of words will increase awareness and allow you to relate to perspectives that are different from yours.

I would prefer to stay deeply entrenched in my own feelings, thoughts and ideas of what the world should look like. If I start empathizing with others, how can I tell them what to do? How will I explain to them that they’re wrong? This reading suddenly sounds like a backwards way to sharpen my social skills, which means I might be compelled to leave my house and actually use them. Gross.

3. If you pick up a book, you might actually learn something and gain inspiration for things.

I don’t even have to explain to you why boosting your vocabulary, problem-solving skills and writing abilities would be... what’s worse than atrocious? Guess I'll never know because I don’t plan to read until I figure it out. You’d be one of those super-nerds who builds on ideas from books and creates change in the world. Everybody knows change is bad.

4. You don’t even want to know what happens when reading gives you a chance to relax.

You need that jumpy edge to you. That coffee-guzzling feeling of sheer terror coursing through your veins, and the anxious skittering around you do –these things are commendable. You’re like a kitten who just learned how to walk finding itself at the top of some freshly mopped, carpet-free stairs, and you don’t care who knows. High blood pressure and a racing heart are what you use to mark things off your to-do list, after all. They keep you going. If you're into escapism, by all means, delve into another world for a few minutes. But don’t say I didn’t warn you.

5. You are already interesting enough, so it doesn’t matter that reading supposedly makes you more interesting.

You have plenty of creativity and positive self-image in your natural state, so the fact that reading regularly strengthens these attributes is null and void to someone like you (and me). Did I leave off imagination from that list? Good, my memory’s already slipping. You do NOT want more imagination. Believe me, I was born with a lot of it and it has only caused me harm. I mean that literally. The nightmare scenarios my brain has concocted have made me run into furniture out of sheer terror that someone is breaking into my house. See? Bad news.

6. If you heed none of these warnings and are willing to listen to only one piece of advice: Do not, I repeat, do not, read to your children under any circumstances.

This can lead to a stronger relationship between you and your child, and the kid already won’t give you a moment’s peace. Plus, he’ll do well in school, and we all know that smug look of achievement he gets on his face when he does something right. Ugh, it’s just the worst. Plus, if you encourage this type of behavior now, he might become a reader as an adult. It’s best to squelch the habit as early as possible.

Look, I get it. All I can say is, you’re welcome. I’m saving you time in your life for the important things. Like making fun of people who read. Now, go throw things at them.

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