Roller coaster. No.
I promised my best friend that, as the future godmother of her children, I would never subject myself to any kind of unnecessary danger. Which is also why I’ve never tried to ride a unicycle and always give angry-looking geese a wide berth at the park.
'Tis the season for millions of Americans to flock to amusement parks and wait in ridiculously long lines for the chance to experience the biggest, scariest, craziest roller coasters. 'Tis also the season for those millions of Americans to guilt-trip their sane friends and family members — the ones who aren’t into roller coasters — to get in line with them.
I’ve been on three roller coasters in my life. I hated every second of all of them. But still, anytime I find myself within a 50-mile radius of a roller coaster, the people around me make it their personal mission to get me to take a ride, launching into whiny, desperate choruses of “Come ooooonn! Come ooooonnn!” This leaves me in the awkward position of having to list off excuse after excuse before finally pretending I need a bathroom break and hiding in the snack bar.
So I thought I’d do everyone a favor and just compile a list of all my anti-roller coaster reasons and excuses in one place. If you’re a roller coaster guilt-tripper, please peruse before commencing your peer pressuring. If you don’t like roller coasters, feel free to print this out before your next amusement park trip, hand it to your friend, and say “PICK ONE.”
1. I just ate 3 churros.
2. That 15-year-old boy operating the ride? The one who’s wearing marijuana-print boxers and openly picking his nose while tearing tickets? I’d rather not entrust my life to him.
3. I really enjoy not being upside-down.
4. Do you hear that weird creaking noise it’s making? It’s definitely making a weird creaking noise.
5. If I’m going to overcome a fear, shouldn’t I start with a more practical one, like how chicken salad makes me kind of uneasy?
6. If I even think about throwing up, I will throw up. And you know what makes me think about throwing up? A 300-foot vertical drop.
7. The other day I accidentally watched a YouTube compilation called “Horrific Rollercoaster Accidents — WARNING GRAPHIC,” so yeah, no.
8. I have a fear of heights. Specifically, of slow, ominous crawls to great heights that end in free-falls.
9. According to my religion, Thou Shalt Not Loop De Loop.
10. I’ve been making a lot of progress on my anti-wrinkle facial regimen and I’m worried the G-forces will take me back to square one.
11. Remember the roller coaster scene in Fear where Mark Wahlberg fingers Reese Witherspoon to an indie cover of “Wild Horses”? So yeah, OK, that scene was kinda hot but their relationship did not end well and I can’t help but think the roller coaster was partially to blame.
12. I get my thrills in other, safer ways, like horse track betting and hard drugs.
13. I’m already wearing shorts prone to camel-toe and that holster thing is not going to help the situation.
14. I need some time to catch up on my Instagram feed, so really, you go ahead.
15. That feeling of your stomach launching up into your throat that you keep using as a pro-roller coaster argument? That’s NOT A SELLING POINT.
16. I promised my best friend that, as the future godmother of her children, I would never subject myself to any kind of unnecessary danger. Which is also why I’ve never tried to ride a unicycle and always give angry-looking geese a wide berth at the park.
17. I’m on my period. And you know that whole thing about how you’re not supposed to go upside-down on your period? That’s a thing. It’s totally a thing.
18. The main character in my novel hates roller coasters and I’m trying to embody all her quirks to understand her on a deep level.
19. Did I mention the churros I ate a minute ago? They’re not exactly a light food.
20. I prefer, as a general rule, not to argue with gravity.
21. There’s a curse on my family — since the beginning of time, a woman from every 6th generation dies in a roller coaster accident. We lost track of the generations awhile back but it’s probably best not to tempt fate.
22. I’ve always been complimented as being a very “grounded” person, and leaving the ground for long periods of time would be an affront to my reputation.
23. I just remembered I have a conference call. Right now.
24. I felt a spark of romantic chemistry with the guy running the Tilt-A-Whirl and I might regret it if I don’t go follow up and see if we have a future together.
25. No but seriously I just ate so many churros.
