Massage Therapy: A Minute-By-Minute Account

1:54 PM: Stephanie has the softest hands in the universe.

1:54 PM: Stephanie has the softest hands in the universe.


Self-care is important. Massages are a good form of self-care. Too bad I keep thinking about what I'm going to make for dinner.

I entered the massage room at 1:29 PM.

What follows is a near-exact account of my every thought:

1:30 PM:

So I just put my clothes in a pile right here. That looks weird. Here, I’ll put my watch on top like a bow on a present.

1:32 PM:

How long do people take to get naked and climb on a table? It feels like I’ve been in here forever.

1:33 PM:

Do my boobs always squish out to the side like that?

1:34 PM:

“Come in”? Who says that? I mean, I guess it is polite to knock, but there’s no normal response. Or is there and I just don’t know it?

1:36 PM:

Relax... Ooh, that feels great. Why don’t I do this every day?

1:37-42 PM:

Stephanie (massage therapist) is the best human being on the planet. Breathe deep. Feel every muscle. Ooooh.

1:43 PM:

...Did I make that sound out loud?

1:44 PM:

Crap. What am I making for dinner?

1:45 PM:

No thinking — you’re getting a massage. Real life not allowed right now!

1:46 PM:

There are so many muscles in the human body.

1:47 PM:

Right there. Cats know what’s up with that arched back. Yes, right there right there. Ahhhh.

1:48 PM:

GO BACK! It isn’t fixed yet.

1:49 PM:

“How’s the pressure?” she asks. Fine, I don’t know. I’m not crying or anything.

1:50 PM:

I feel bad making someone touch my body. I’m sure glad the lights are dim.

1:51 PM:

Feel your body. Feel your body. Feel your body.

1:52 PM:

I think this is the only CD she has.

1:53 PM:

Is recording ocean sounds a job? I could be good at that.

1:54 PM:

Stephanie has the softest hands in the universe.

1:55 PM:

I wish my bed at home had a face hole.

1:56-2:01 PM:

She’s going to make me flip over soon, isn’t she. That seems like a lot of work. That means we’re half done.

Why didn’t I book a 90-minute massage? Half an hour here goes a hell of a lot faster than normal. I wonder if Albert Einstein considered that when he was exploring relativity.

Probably not.

2:02 PM:

Sink into your spine, feel your breath.

2:03 PM:


2:04-2:10 PM:

Is it wrong to love someone you are paying to treat you well? What is love, really?

I love you, Stephanie.

2:11 PM:

What are you doing to my hand? Holy hell, that is the greatest feeling I’ve ever experienced.

2:12 PM:

No, don’t start working on my neck. I know what that means. It feels amazing, don’t get me wrong, but this is the beginning of the end.

2:13 PM:

No wonder my neck hurts all the time. That can’t be normal.

2:14 PM:

You could kill me so easily right now.

2:15 PM:

Stop thinking. Enjoy. Relax. Let go.

2:16 PM:

Be in the moment. Stop it, Eliana, don’t think about picking up the kids.

2:17 PM:

You’re right, Stephanie, those shoulder muscles do wrap around my clavicle. How did I not realize that before now?!

2:18 PM:

I know what you’re doing: You are trying to center me.

Stop it! I’ll give you anything to keep going. Please! Please!

2:19 PM:

You’re done. I know. I will try to be an adult about this. But I don’t want to. I want to jump off this bed.

...Well, not jump. I’m pretty relaxed.

2:20 PM:

What would happen if I just didn’t get up and get dressed right now? How long would they let me doze hear before saying something?

2:21 PM:

Every inch of me feels amazing.

2:22 PM:

Why are clothes so hard to put on? I’ll just stick my bra in my purse. Too much effort.

2:23 PM:

Yes, I’ll be sure to drink lots of water.

2:24 PM:

Can you add a 50% tip? (Maybe that’s a bit excessive… Nah.) No wonder they don’t have people pay for their appointments in advance.

Yes, I’d like to make an appointment for two weeks from now.

2:25-4:45 PM:

Remember that one time, when Stephanie took away every ache and pain? That was last week, right?

Just a few hours ago? How is that possible?


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