8 Things This Bottle Of Knock-Off "Aloe Vera Drink" Will DEFINITELY Do For Me

I can only hope that Aloe Vera Drink does a better job than those adhesive pads you put on your feet that supposedly draw out toxins while you sleep.

I can only hope that Aloe Vera Drink does a better job than those adhesive pads you put on your feet that supposedly draw out toxins while you sleep.

I went to the grocery store today. I’m incredibly lazy, so each time I go to the grocery store I have to buy myself a treat as a reward. My treat today is a 16-ounce beverage called Aloe Vera Drink that cost me $3. Yes, I do feel kind of dumb about spending $3 on one drink, but it was a TREAT, after all.

Also, please do not confuse Aloe Vera Drink with Aloe vera juice. Aloe vera juice sounds more legit, but that is not what I bought. Wanting to feel great about my probably healthy choice, I did some light Googling about the perks of drinking Aloe vera juice (which, again, isn’t exactly what I have. I know this). After clicking on a few different web sites that all had the exact same text on them, I found out my body is in for a bit of a pampering.

The miracle elixir Aloe vera juice can do all of the following, and boy I hope my knock-off drink can too:

1. Detoxifies The Body

I am fully expecting this drink to repair the years of damage I have done to my liver by being a comedian. I can only hope that Aloe Vera Drink does a better job than those adhesive pads you put on your feet that supposedly draw out toxins while you sleep. The toxin to non-toxin ratio in my body has got to be wildly out of control, so I am counting on this drink to do some seriously heavy lifting.

2. Maintains Hydration

I’ve never actually been properly hydrated in my entire life, so I’m super pumped to see what this could possibly feel like. Maybe I will no longer have to use the app that reminds me to drink water every few hours. Usually, I’ll ignore said app until the very end of the day, when I realize all I’ve had to drink for the past twelve hours was one small sip of La Croix in the breakroom at work. This usually causes me to panic-chug four glasses of water right before bed. I guess you could say I’m looking for some help in the ol’ hydration department.

3. Improves Oral Health

All of these sites with the same text on them recommend you swish Aloe vera juice around in your mouth to reduce ulcers, inflammation, and gum disease. I just checked my bottle of Aloe Vera Drink and it has 31 grams of sugar in it so I’m going to go ahead and skip the swishing, as I’m sure it would have a similar effect to gargling Kool Aid. Nevertheless, I’m positive I’m doing good by my mouth in a more “behind the scenes” type of way. Right? Right.

4. Keeps You Regular

Well that sounds rad as hell. If this little bottle of knock-off succulent super juice will make me the next Jamie Lee Curtis, sign me up. Are you willing to take the Aloe Vera Drink challenge? I am! Actually, please consult a doctor before taking this challenge, or at least find a more credible website than the identical ones I’m looking at now.


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5. It’s Alkalizing

I am not going to pretend to know what this means, or bother to find out. You’ll probably find this very surprising, but I wasn’t the best lab partner in chemistry class. Anyway, apparently if you drink Aloe vera juice, you’ll feel these mysterious alkalizing effects immediately. It’s a positive thing, I’m gathering. And it sounds kind of hot. It’s possible I have a new cloud of sex appeal surrounding me at this very moment, growing larger with every sip I take of this drink. If anyone asks me my secret, I’ll whisper seductively, “It’s all in the alkalizers, baby.” Then I’ll slink away quickly before they ask me what an alkalizer is.

6. Good For Breast Health

My boobs may be tiny, but that doesn’t mean their health is any less important. Actually, if this drink could even provide a little more perk I wouldn’t hate it. I’m not talking wild increases in size here, but if I could finally fill out my A cup bra, it would make sixth-grade me so proud. I just want to know what that’s like. I’m sure the weird old tailor who works in my office building and calls me “lovely girl” would also be on board with this new change.

7. Great For Your Complexion

The prettiest woman I have ever seen was a French flight attendant because of course she was, and she said she drank this shit every day. I wish I could describe her skin to you in a way that was poetic and didn’t make me sound like a serial killer. But as we all know, that’s impossible. Instead, I’ll just say she had a very nice face. It’s unclear how much of her amazing complexion was due to her Aloe consumption and how much of it was because she was a French woman, but I gotta play the hand I was dealt and hope it was the plant.

8. Gives You A Good Talking To About The Direction Your Life Is Going In

There’s a lot of worryingly small print on this bottle. I’m hoping there’s an FDA approval somewhere in there. I’m a very busy woman so I’m not going to read through it, but I’m assuming this wall of text is giving me a come to Jesus talk about what in the hell I’m doing with my life. Maybe it’s gently suggesting I stop writing this list and start figuring out how to work LinkedIn. If all of this is happening on my wannabe Aloe Vera Drink, can you imagine what is on the real thing? Pure Aloe vera juice probably has amazing literature on its label — maybe some beautifully illustrated Rumi poems or long passages from historically significant speeches. Or maybe it, too, would just be telling me to close my computer and go outside. Hahaha, I’m not going to do that. I live in Chicago and it’s cold out there.  

It all just seems pretty cut and dry to me. This drink is basically a miracle in a bottle. So here’s to a happier, more alkalized me. Bottoms up y’all, I’m about to Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde myself into a hot, healthy monster.  


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