Eliana Osborn

They were horrible.

When I’m staring at the wall trying to keep my cool when my 6-year-old is hysterical about the tiny bump on his finger, I attempt to channel some of the good parts.

I look tired when I stay up too late. I also look tired if I get eight hours of sleep.

Your partner will make you want to throw up at some point. Pure, unadulterated disgust.

"Sharknado 3" has an especially unique moment when a human baby is born by being cut out of the side of a shark. Don’t ask questions, there’s nothing to explain.

...But not in the way you'd think.

After this, I’m not going to be able to complain about Meghan Trainor and having to teach my son that "All About That Bass" is talking about girls with big booties.

The most important things my mother taught me included work from Neil Diamond, Billy Joel, Wham! and Whitney Houston.

1. Borrow a child.

Is anyone else with me on this? White foods are NASTY.