Eliana Osborn

...But not in the way you'd think.

A haircut is a whole lot cheaper than therapy or tattoos or a round-the-world plane ticket.

Don’t listen to horror stories about airplane tantrums. Listen to me while I let you in on the secret perks of seeing the world with kiddos.

84% of full professors in America are White. In case you were unsure, that does not match the overall makeup of the country or the student body.

If you kill a tortoise, even on accident, you probably shouldn’t have children.

"Sharknado 3" has an especially unique moment when a human baby is born by being cut out of the side of a shark. Don’t ask questions, there’s nothing to explain.

Size, like age and salary and whatever else, is just a number. Pretending numbers don’t measure things isn’t helpful. I’m 38 years old: That isn’t good or bad, but it IS different from being 18 or 50.

I’m not broken by this therapy failure. Jane wasn't the person to help me at this point of my life. Someone else WILL be.

There are some days of parenting that are magical, full of unicorns and four leaf clovers and lottery winnings. Those are the moments when I catch myself, just for a second, feeling content and happy and looking around trying to freeze things. Out of 7000 days, those maybe make up five a year.

I look tired when I stay up too late. I also look tired if I get eight hours of sleep.