Eliana Osborn

I’ve got two tales of hideous male behavior — at the elementary school, somewhere typically full of good vibes and happiness and all that.

Ray Nagin. Yes, the former New Orleans mayor who now has a criminal record. Let me explain.

We take weekend turns. He does vacations and summers. Literally. He takes them away. It is great.

For you, dear readers, who are thrilled with the teacher in your life — be it your own teacher, the instructor of your child, or even the person who does piano or karate — this list is for you.

I’m not there yet. But I need to be honest—I’m closer to 40 than any other multiple of five.

Kirk Cameron in all his Growing Pains glory was the ideal crush. Unthreatening, goofy, good kid with very reasonable weekly conflicts. And a good smile. Always been a sucker for that.

I wanted to write a book last summer. Then I realized what a terrible goal that was and modified accordingly.

1. Borrow a child.

Sometimes the nicest kids turn into whole new people when they come over to your house.

The most important things my mother taught me included work from Neil Diamond, Billy Joel, Wham! and Whitney Houston.