Eliana Osborn

I wanted to write a book last summer. Then I realized what a terrible goal that was and modified accordingly.

I’ve developed a fast and furious passion for the new Daily Show host, Trevor Noah.

Look, Connect Four is not a good game. But it can be over quickly, which is pretty great.

Self-care is important. Massages are a good form of self-care. Too bad I keep thinking about what I'm going to make for dinner.

A haircut is a whole lot cheaper than therapy or tattoos or a round-the-world plane ticket.

I’ve got two tales of hideous male behavior — at the elementary school, somewhere typically full of good vibes and happiness and all that.

Eighteen hours, even if prepared with reading and art material, snacks, and an upgrade to China Airline’s family couch seating, is still EIGHTEEN HOURS.

Best case scenario? A few hours of activity, then we all fall asleep comfortably. Worst case? Well, let's just say it involves blood splatter on those weird double-paned airplane window.

If you kill a tortoise, even on accident, you probably shouldn’t have children.

You know how someone can give you a compliment that you know isn’t true? Like, they tell you a dress looks good when you are absolutely certain that is not the case? But if they keep saying it looks good, you start to think “Yeah... this looks good.”

I cried every single day of my life until I was 18 years old. I did not know this was abnormal.