Eliana Osborn

Really, you should thank me. I’m just protecting your future self.

I, like far too many women in this country and the world, have had a wide variety of experiences involving sexual harassment.

I wanted to write a book last summer. Then I realized what a terrible goal that was and modified accordingly.

"Sharknado 3" has an especially unique moment when a human baby is born by being cut out of the side of a shark. Don’t ask questions, there’s nothing to explain.

Full-fat dairy may be “healthier” for you than low-fat dairy. “May” be, as in, probably is, like with numbers and science and stuff.

Sometimes the nicest kids turn into whole new people when they come over to your house.

I am going to have amazing posture. My neck will look so skinny just from the way I hold my head.

Size, like age and salary and whatever else, is just a number. Pretending numbers don’t measure things isn’t helpful. I’m 38 years old: That isn’t good or bad, but it IS different from being 18 or 50.

For you, dear readers, who are thrilled with the teacher in your life — be it your own teacher, the instructor of your child, or even the person who does piano or karate — this list is for you.

If he were an a--hole to my kids, things would be easier. But he’s not. He’s good with them. He’s his best self. It makes me alternately happy and heartbroken.