Eliana Osborn

I am going to have amazing posture. My neck will look so skinny just from the way I hold my head.

Standardized tests are taking over the world. I can say this because it is true. Like a creeping vine that seems attractive and charming at first, tests appear to be reasonable for the data and direction they can provide.

It is hard to find any real numbers about how many people do "direct sales" or how much money they make. The web is full of either big promises or pissed-off former sellers. What I do know, from bazillions of friends and family, is that making much more than pocket money means selling like a real job. Yes, it might be more flexible, but there’s no magic formula.

If you kill a tortoise, even on accident, you probably shouldn’t have children.

There are some days of parenting that are magical, full of unicorns and four leaf clovers and lottery winnings. Those are the moments when I catch myself, just for a second, feeling content and happy and looking around trying to freeze things. Out of 7000 days, those maybe make up five a year.

After this, I’m not going to be able to complain about Meghan Trainor and having to teach my son that "All About That Bass" is talking about girls with big booties.

I always have a small piece of my brain on mom mode, no matter what else is happening. I have no problem with this, since that is how humanity has survived.

I’m not there yet. But I need to be honest—I’m closer to 40 than any other multiple of five.

I cried every single day of my life until I was 18 years old. I did not know this was abnormal.

I wanted to write a book last summer. Then I realized what a terrible goal that was and modified accordingly.