Eliana Osborn

I’ve got two tales of hideous male behavior — at the elementary school, somewhere typically full of good vibes and happiness and all that.

I look tired when I stay up too late. I also look tired if I get eight hours of sleep.

When I’m staring at the wall trying to keep my cool when my 6-year-old is hysterical about the tiny bump on his finger, I attempt to channel some of the good parts.

I’m a sucker for an interesting woman, so Notorious RBG is obviously my sort of book.

When did I discover that sterilization isn’t as cut and dry as it seems? While sitting in a hospital gown, signing my life away, awaiting surgery.

Full-fat dairy may be “healthier” for you than low-fat dairy. “May” be, as in, probably is, like with numbers and science and stuff.

84% of full professors in America are White. In case you were unsure, that does not match the overall makeup of the country or the student body.

If he were an a--hole to my kids, things would be easier. But he’s not. He’s good with them. He’s his best self. It makes me alternately happy and heartbroken.

If you kill a tortoise, even on accident, you probably shouldn’t have children.

Really, you should thank me. I’m just protecting your future self.