Eliana Osborn

1. Borrow a child.

Sometimes the nicest kids turn into whole new people when they come over to your house.

If you kill a tortoise, even on accident, you probably shouldn’t have children.

My main reason for doing reading testing, enduring a bus ride to a field trip about weapons engineering, and other thrills? Stalking.

Eighteen hours, even if prepared with reading and art material, snacks, and an upgrade to China Airline’s family couch seating, is still EIGHTEEN HOURS.

Best case scenario? A few hours of activity, then we all fall asleep comfortably. Worst case? Well, let's just say it involves blood splatter on those weird double-paned airplane window.

A haircut is a whole lot cheaper than therapy or tattoos or a round-the-world plane ticket.

Baranta is a new martial art focusing on traditional folk dancing and activities.

If he were an a--hole to my kids, things would be easier. But he’s not. He’s good with them. He’s his best self. It makes me alternately happy and heartbroken.

Help.

Full-fat dairy may be “healthier” for you than low-fat dairy. “May” be, as in, probably is, like with numbers and science and stuff.